Let's Try This Again...

Hello everyone. So as far as this blog is concerned, it's been almost exactly one calendar year since Bill and I actually decided to get off our asses and post something...Actually, we'd have to be on our asses - ya know, sitting down and typing - in order to post something, but whatever, fuckin' semantics. You get the idea; we're going to try to re-boot this dual blog of ours, and we figured we'd try to do so by once again offering up some bold NFL predictions and whatnot.

And why shouldn't we start here again? Well, actually I can't speak for Bill's dumb ass, but I know at least I am pretty damn good at this shit. Hell, if you scroll down to last year's posts, you'll see that one of us correctly picked the Super Bowl winner in fucking August (hint: it wasn't Bill). Clearly then, one can assume I can be trusted here. Read my thoughts for their insight, analysis, comprehensiveness, and so forth. Then, if you're up for it, read what Bill has to say. You'll probably think what he has to say is adoreable, like watching a retard trying to read. In other words, Deej will make you go "Hmmm, intereseting," and Bill will make you go "Awww, he's trying SO hard..." Got it? Good. So, without further adieu, here are your top 10 NFL truisms for 2011:

1) The Philadelphia Eagles are not a "dream team" and will not even reach the NFC Championship Game

I actually feel this is the most obvious of my ten predictions, so I figured I'd get it out of the way early.

I've heard folks draw weak analogies between the 2011 Eagles and the Miami Heat. That's stupid. You can't draw comparisons between them. Sure, Vick and LeBron are almost equally villanous as seen by most of humanity, albeit for far different reasons, but Vick has never been billed as the savior of any particular town/team. He's never been pegged as the second coming of John Elway or Joe Montana, at least not nearly as regularly as LeBron is compared to MJ. And Vick isn't necessarily supposed to personally engineer a championship run every single year. So that's out. Moving on, Nnamdi Asomugha is not Dwyane Wade because Wade is far less handsome and articulate, but he also has a ring. Nnamdi played in Oakland, so suffice it to say that to this point in his career, the only hardware he's seen are the metaphorical huge metal dildos Al Davis has been ramming up the Raiders organization metaphorical asshole for a couple decades now.

In fact, the only reasonably comparison here is Chris Bosh to Vince Young. They've both reached multiple all-star games and such, but somehow they're both kind stupid and stinky. Nobody would trust either one to win a big game in the clutch. I know VY has come up big at times here or there in the past, but still, he's a dumbass. And we all know it.

I've already gotten way off track. The point here is that we're not like the Heat. No, if you want to compare us to an underachieving NBA "powerhouse", the Eagles are much more like he friggin' Orlando Magic. At different points last season, Orlando employed Dwight Howard, Gilbert Arenas, Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis, Vince Carter, Hedo Turkoglu, and Jason Richardson. You know what they all have in common? - they're all all-stars. And ya know how far Orlando got this past season? - the first fucking round of the playoffs, where they lost to a team with less individual talent but more chemistry (Atlanta Hawks).

So why did that happen? - because a shit-load of talented individuals does not a dream team make. Got it? And that's what we have in Philly - a bunch of all-stars who haven't proven they can do a damn thing together, and most of whom came from shit teams (Asomugha - Oakland, Young/Babin - Tennessee, Ronnie Brown - Miami). The only proven winner we signed was Cullen Jenkins. That's a welcomed addition, but it ain't everything. And it certainly doesn't cover up the glaring holes we have at LB and OL...

The Eagles are a good team; good enough to make the playoffs anyway. But when they get there, either New Orleans or Green Bay is going to fuck them up before they go anywhere. You heard it here first from the world's biggest Eagles fan. Be prepared.

(The rest of my predictions will be shorter....)

2) Kevin Kolb will improve the Cardinals significantly, but not significantly enough to win the NFC West


I said it last year, and I'll say it again. Kolb's got some skill. It's just a shame that Clay Matthews broke him in half during the first friggin' quarter of the first friggin' game last season. In Arizona, he'll prove it. With a legit top-flight receiver in Larry Fitz and a former all-star tight end with a good amount of gas left in the tank in Todd Heap, he's gonna show us something.

The only problem is that the rest of the Cardinals are still pretty fuckin' soft... softer than the St Louis Rams anyway, who will indeed be the team to represent the NFC West in the playoffs.

To clarify, I'm still not a believer in that fiberglass female they have throwing the ball in St Louey (Sam Bradford), but he's got more around him to help him win. The Rams are gonna rip off about 8 or 9 wins (be sure to watch week one when they host the Eagles - upset alert!), and I'm betting that's going to be one or two better than Arizona. Give Kolb and the Cards one more year. For now, let Bradford and the Rams be the other team besides Philly who bows out of the NFC playoffs in the first round.

3) Believe it or not, that's Cam Newton in Carolina, not Jamarcus Russell...

Has anyone seen the Panthers pre-season highlights at all? I can't imagine why you would have forced yourself to endure even one friggin' second of Panthers football unless you're that starved for football and/or are doing some an unhealthy amount of fantasy football research. Personally, I'm a victim of the former, and so I've seen this fucking dipshit Cam Newton attempt to play QB at the professional level a few times now. And Jesus Christ...he stinks sumptin' awful. I know there's a learning curve for rookies and all, but my God, his comfort level seems to approximate what mine would be if I were to settle down and watch a porno with my parents.

Cam, you can run fast. Congratulations. So could Marcus Vick. And what's he doing now - flippin' burgers and slapping white bitches? I thought so. Now maybe I'm just a little old-fashioned, but I always thought that in order to play quarterback, you had to be able to, ya know, throw the ball in such a way that your completion percentage and Jayson Werth's batting average aren't fucking mirror images of each other. This asshole even tried the old Tim Tebow jump-pass once this pre-season....for real. And you'll never guess what happened - the pass almost got picked off but luckily fell harmlessly incomplete. Amazing, right? What a doofus.

Quickly, I have neither the time, energy, nor patience to divulge my thoughts on Tim Tebow. What a nut-rag. Back to Newton...

In fact, fuck it, I'm taking this prediction a step further. Cam Newton is gonna stink it up so bad that his presence will not yield any more wins than Jimmy Klausen's did. Two wins for Carolina, at most. There you have it. They stink. And Cam Newton is stupid.

4) The Baltimore Ravens are soft, and they won't make the playoffs

Before I get into what I don't like about the team, just consider the competition. The Steelers are gonna win that division; everyone knows this. The Patriots and Jets will both be in as well from the AFC East. So that means Baltimore is relegated to banking on their customery #6 seed in the playoffs. Already, it's not so tough to see why I made this prediction - there's essentially only one spot up for grabs.

Furthermore, let's say the Texans finally get it done in the AFC North as many seem to think they will. Does that mean everyone's going to sleep on the Colts all year? Sure, missing Manning in the first weeks will be rough, but if Indy starts off 1-2 before getting Peyton back, who's to say they can't finished 10-6 or so? Especially since they play Tennessee and Jacksonville twice each? I certainly think it's possible, so that's one contender for the #6 seed right there.

Out west, I think San Diego is a safe bet to win. But they didn't win that division last year, remember? KC did. And what, are we to expect they got worse? I don't think so, especially with Jamal Charles bursting onto the scene the way he did. Nope, they're here to contend, and that's another potential 10-win team, especially since they have Oakland and Denver twice each.

Couple aaaaaall of this with the fact that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed are getting a bit long in the tooth and their offense has looked about as reliable and coherent as fuckin' Charlie Sheen during the pre-season, and I say it all adds up to disappointment in Baltimore. I mean, shit, Flacco's weapons consist of, what, Anquon Boldin, Ray Rice, and a half-decent Lee Evans? Dude, that's only Two and A Half Men! (ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!)

5) Did you draft Chris Johnson? I'm sorry to hear that...

Ok, let me clarify. He's still a great back, and he's still going to get you a bunch of points, but only if....

Well, that's just it - there are too many fucking "if's" with this guy. First off, he just signed a mega-deal, which means he won't be nearly as hungry, etc. I mean, clearly he's only out for the proverbial "number one" (himself) and doesn't give a fuck about his team, otherwise he would have accepted the earlier offer, which would have made him the highest paid runner EVER, and he'd have had time to get into camp and get to know his new QBs, which is of extreme importance.

But no, instead he decided to stay at home and wait for even more money to flow in, which he knew it would. And now he has exactly one fucking week to prepare for the regular season. God knows if he's been keeping himself in football shape, first of all. If his appearance/speech/demeanor suggest anything, it's that he's been riding around in some ridiculous low-rider, ignoring traffic so that he can check out how shiny his gold teeth look in the rearview mirror, and continuing to do his absolute best to completely ignore the fundamentals of the spoken English language. In other words - not focusing on his fucking job and working out.

And shit, even if he has, he's still not in game shape. And he's still inevitably going to be rusty. Plus, as I alluded to above, he hasn't played a single snap with either Matt Hasselbeck or Jake Locker! Wait until you see how many times they fuck up the play-call, botch the hand-off, or simply show just how far off their timing is on passing routes during the first few weeks. And it WILL take a few weeks for him to learn/adapt, for as I've already implied in no uncertain terms, if you've ever seen Chris Johnson try to conduct himself off the field, he's a fucking moron.

And on top of everything, Tennessee stinks. You heard it here - Chris Johnson is going to seriously underperform, at least during the first month or two of the season.

6) NFC North - First to Worst

That resounding THUD! your heard when the pre-season began was, in fact, the other shoe dropping on Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears. This team made the NFC Championship game last year. This year, well, at least Jay Cutler can be happy that there won't be any cameras on him this time when he's widing the wittle bike to wepair his hurt wittle weg, because they don't keep cameras in the fucking cellar. And that's exactly where he'll be. He and the Bears will finish the season in last place in the NFC North.

At this point in his career, Jay Cutler ain't gettin' any better. He is what he is, which is to say he has the ability to throw a football 90 yards down the field, but he also throws way too many picks, he makes bad decisions, he overthrows half of his bombs, he's not sufficiently emotionally involved in the game, he's not enough of a vocal leader, and more than anything else, he's fucking soft. Such a definition will never - ever - warrant any kind of championship. When the Bears traded all those draft picks for him, they didn't realize it, but they put themselves in dire straits for the long-term. Folks in Chi-town better hope for another fluke like 2010, because logic suggests that they're gonna be struggling for a while.

For the record, Jay Cutler has one career playoff win under his belt... and it came at home against a 7-9 Seahawks team. Congratulations, asshole.

The rest of the team isn't too great either. Johnny Knox is about as relevant as Johnny Knox-ville these days, and ironically enough, each of them usually looks like a "Jackass" on television. (Once again, zing). Then they went out and got Roy Williams, who you might remember as the guy who didn't do SHIT in Dallas. They also still have Matt Forte running the ball. I think my thoughts on Forte can be best described by way of a question - if you play fantasy football and you draft Matt Forte, how do you feel afterwards? Like, right after you put his sticker on the big board, you got back to your seat, take a bite of your sandwich, and you feel...... kinda nauseous, right? I mean, the book suggests you take him at whatever point in the draft, so you take him at that point, but you really can't feel good about it. Then when you go over your lineup with your friends who aren't in the league later on and they ask who you got, you say, "My team's good! I got Rodgers throwing, Andre Johnson's gonna kick ass at receiver!, Ray Rice is gonna run people over!, and then, well, then I got Matt Forte, which is pretty good I guess, right?" You get the idea.

It's kinda like when you're having very mediocre sex, and you instinctively close your eyes and go to the highleet reel, which is to say you start running through in your head all the most memorable sexual encounters of your life just so that you can get through your immediate, underwhelming situation. Actually, this most often happens during less than stellar oral. You don't wanna embarass the girl by getting flaccid and blaming her for using her teeth and lacking rhythm, so you close your eyes - which brings with the ancillary benefit of allowing you to feign ecstasy - and the reel automatically starts. You may remember your high school girlfriend, the whore at the beach that summer, the tranny outside the deli (wait, forget that one), the cougar you met on the business trip, the one dude's mom, etc..., then all the sudden you remember Karen, the very plain-jane girl you met at the bar one night and only took home because numerous shots of Petron to which you treated yourself transformed her from an unacceptable 4.5/10 to a tolerable 6/5/10. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't great. You don't necessarily regret it, but you don't really want to remember it that much. So you skip it and concentrate on something else before you get annoyed........ Karen is Matt Forte.

Lets move on.

7) Sleeper Team, and "Boy" do I hate admitting this...

But its true... it's the Dallas Cowboys.

First off, let me define "sleeper" the way I see it: a team that almost nobody on the national level is speaking of as having any chance to contend for their conference championship.

From where I sit, absolutely nobody is making a peep about the Cowpokes. And I think the reasoning is three-fold: 1) Whenever the NFC East comes up, everyone's too busy salivating over the fucking Eagles, 2) For whatever reason, people think the team ain't that good, and 3) People believe Tony Romo is a pussy.

I agree with #3 whole-heartedly, because he is, unequivocally, a fucking pussy...

Buuuuuuuuuuuuut..... he IS the guy who led that team to a 14-2 record in 2007. So I don't want to hear that he can't get it done in the regular season (post-season is another story). He has engineered sparkling regular seasons in that town before, and with a worse coach in Wade Philips. Side note - I think it's funny whenever really fat people are named "Wade," because whenever they walk they have to struggle, as if they're continuously "wading" through something. It's like they're eternally stuck in the shallow end of a swimming pool.

Anyway, so pussy-boy now has a better coach in Garrett. He has more than adequate targets in Austin, Witten, and Dez Bryant (fantasy steal, by the way). And perhaps best of all, he does NOT have Marion Barber anymore. I swear, that guy was a liability the longer the season went on. Instead, they're gonna run Felix Jones into the ground, and I think that's a wise move. He's the guy, so give him the ball!... All of this simply means that the team is gonna score some point this year. I know they have O-Line problems, but hey, so do the Eagles, and everyone's ready to fellate them all the way to the Super Bowl, so, ya know, whatever...

On defense, I know they have secondary issues, but they also have arguably the best individual defender in the entire NFL: DeMarcus Ware. That name just sounds so scary....and black. And I can assure you, he's both. Haha.... Seriously though, he's terrifying, and he's gonna kill muthufuckuhs.

So while the team is flawed, remember, we're not talking "favorites" here, we're talking "sleeper." And this team absolutely has the potential to fly just under the radar (providing Jerry Jones keeps his fucking trap shut), again especially given the attention in Philly, then sneak up and snag a playoff spot. From there, hey, if last year's Seahawks/Saints game taught us anything, it's that ya never know what's gonna happen in the playoffs.

Watch out for the Cowpokes. That's all I'm sayin'.

8) If what I say about Dallas comes true, it will come at the expense of the Falcons

Yes, the Atlanta Falcons. The do-no-wrong, can't lose at home, 14-2 Atlanta Falcons. They might miss the playoffs. I realize this is kind-of a conditional prediction, but ummmmm, I don't care. Just read it.

I figure the Eagles, Packers, and Rams are division winners, and for the sake of argument let's say that the Saints win the NFC South, ok? We have two wild-card spots left, and it'll be a mad dash between the Cowboys, Falcons, Buccaneers, maaaaaaaybe the Giants, and yes, those Lions of Detroit. Yep, I'm a believer in the potential in the motor city this year.

So suddenly, similar to what I said earlier about Baltimore, the Falcons playoff hopes don't seem like such a sure thing do they? First off, let's be honest - there's no fucking way they're going 14-2 again. Ain't. No. Way. So let's look at their opponents this season and see where they may lose: Chicago, Philly, TB twice, NO twice, CAR twice, Indy, Jax, Tenn, Hou, Min, Det, GB, Sea. I can see this team losing as many as SEVEN games. I'd bet on 10-6 for them, but 9-7 is certainly possible. Consider the following:

They have the Bears week one. I dont like Chicago, but its the opener, and its in Chi-town. Last season, the Falcons stunk up the opener, couldnt score, and lost to Pitt. Getting out of the gate slow may be a trend. So there's one. Then they have Philly, who fucking CRUSHED Atlanta last year (Side note: my sister got married the day of that game, but that's of minimal importance). So that could be an 0-2 start, and suddenly its getting extra hot in Hotlanta. From there, I say they drop one game to each TB and NO, boom - losses three and four right there. Then they drop the Green Bay game fo' sho', and bang! five losses. Nobody sweeps the AFC opponents, so they'll drop either Indy or Houston, which makes six losses. Finally, throw in the obligatory "stinker" game each team has once a year, and there you have it, 9-7 in Atlanta this year.

Julio Jones won't make them THAT much better....let's just throw that in there.

So, to reiterate, if Dallas rips off 10 games, come December the Falcons won't be thinking of winning games by driving into kicking range, they'll just be thinking of going to the driving range. (Did I just win weakest joke ever? I think I did).

9) If I said I thought anyone besides Calvin Johnson would be MVP, I'd be Lion...

It almost seems impossible that a receiver could earn an MVP award considering that every time he touches the ball, he shares his stats with his quarterback. Nonetheless, given his ridiculous play-making ability, sure hands, breakaway speed/YAC ability, you name it, I say Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions will be this year's NFL MVP.

I realize that in all four of the major sports, usually - not always, but usually - the MVP is reserved for someone who plays for a team that, at the very least, qualifies for the playoffs. So consider this a dual prediction: Megatron wins MVP, and the upstart, feel-good-story that is the Detroit Lions will somehow manage to take the #6 seed in the NFC playoffs. This one is a reach, but what's the fun in not taking a few chances, right?

There's nothing not to love about this team. The QB is likeable and certainly talented enough (so long as he stays healthy!). They got a top-flight receiver in Megatron. Their young RB Jahvid Best showed flashes of brilliance last season, and they have the single most dangerous defensive player active today in Ndamukong Suh. In fact, his name might even be scarier than DeMarcus Ware....and maybe even blacker, too.

Add this all up, and you have a Cinderella story that might actually have some legs to it. The biggest thing working against Detroit is that they seem to have taken the mantra of "sexy playoff pick" away from the Arizona Cardinals, who had owned it every year for the last 90 years.

Despite that unfortunate little jinx, I'm here to tell you that it's gonna happen. And this means, as suggested above, that Matty is gonna be put on ice. Bye bye, Falcons.

10) The New York football Jets WILL WIN SUPER BOWL XLVI

Why do I capitalize most of that heading? So you don't forget. Because you should listen to me and place your bets now. That's why. I got it right last year, and I'm gonna get it right this year.

There are certain things that every Super Bowl winner in history has had, and that every potential winner must have: a good defense, the ability to pound the ball and run it, the ability to manage the clock, guys with post-season experience, et al. Ya know what's NOT among these criteria? - an elite quarterback (See: Trent Dilfer, Doug Williams, Jim Plunkett, Jeff Hostetler, Eli Manning, Brad Johnson).

And guess what is the only area in which the Jets are sorely lacking? - you guessed it, it's the fucking quarterback, of course! Captain GQ Magazine himself, Mark Sanchez, does not have the chops. In fact, on his own merit, I'd have him listed as "barely serviceable." He doesn't throw a great ball down the field, he throws too many interceptions, and many of his passes that fall incomplete SHOULD be interceptions!

I know there's something to be said for the poise it takes to pull out a close game by orchestrating late-game drives. And there's a reason the Jets were referred to as the "comeback kids" for a time last season. Still, given the talent all over this team, they should be killing teams, not just slipping past them at the end.

And this year, they will. They're going to kill teams. And they're going to handle the Patriots - AGAIN - in the playoffs.

The only thing they have to fear en route to the dance are the Pittsburgh Steelers, who always have a chance it seems. But, I say the football gods have determined that Sexy Rexy has paid his dues, he has waited long enough, he's been to the title game three straight years (if you count his last year in Baltimore), and on this fourth attempt, he's going to get over the hurdle....which will mark the first time in his life that Rex Ryan will have managed to clear a hurdle of any kind...

And when they get to the Super Bowl and find the Packers standing in their way, they're going to need to get a little lucky to pull it out. But again, there's no point in not taking a bit of a risk in selecting the Super Bowl winner, and it's absolutely zero fun picking a team to repeat, so I say it all falls into place in the big apple. So write it down folks, despite the prominence of the Packers, despite their poor AFC Championship game track record, and despite the abject buffoonery of their quarterback, the New York Jets will find a way.

Super Bowl SLVI - New York Jets 29, Green Bay Packers 19.

So there you have it folks. I know, I know - this post was way too fucking long. But whatever, if you know me, you know I ramble. Now go read Bill's stupid bullshit. Peace out....Oh, and post a fucking comment, will ya? Jesus...


Wow. Fucking Amazing. I have known my younger brother for all 28 years of his mostly unimportant life, and just when i think he can't be any more of an idiot, he goes and types something stupid to prove me wrong.

First off - if you follow asshead's instructions and scroll down, you will find that i DID correctly pick the winner of the Super Bowl last year - I just didn't get their opponent right. Seriously, you hairy yard ape, follow your own instructions and scroll down and try to at least verify one or two facts before you flap your gums (copyright: stone cold steve austin)

Second - i love how I'm the adorable retard, but he's the one that doesn't know how to spell Jimmy C-L-A-U-S-E-N's last name. But yeah, totally, I'm the retard trying to read. Just remember, dickcheese, I read more books in August than you did in college, and the amount of vocabulary words I know that you don't could juuuuuuuuuuuust about fit into the Atlantic Ocean.

I feel like my point is made, and if i go any further (which i could), DJ might cause bodily harm to himself, so instead I'll move forward with my NFL predictions sure to go completely wrong.

1) The Philadelphia Eagles are not a "dream team", but will reach the NFC Championship game.

See what i did there? I took peniswrinkle's first point, but made it correct.

Yeah, so Vince Young is shmuck sauce. I wish he never made that damn dream team comment, but again - he's Vince Young, who not too long ago was a starting QB in the NFL making millions of dollars but was somehow also a threat to commit suicide, so the guy ain't the picture of mental stability. Anyway - I think it's clear to anyone with a modicum of intelligence (so - not anyone at ESPN) that the Eagles are not a dream team. Dream teams do not have as many holes as the Eagles do (I'm looking at YOU linebackers). There are plenty of teams in the league with as much or more talent as the Eagles, so calling them a dream team - like DJ's ejaculations - is premature.

That being said - I think the Eagles get to the NFC title game. The offense last year was spectacular, and this year they've added Ronnie Brown and shifty rookie Dion Lewis looks like he might be a really good find in the draft. If the offensive line can come together, and with Howard Mudd's repuation, I have every reason to believe they will, and MV7 can put together an injury free season at least in the vicinity of how good he was last year - the Birds offense could be the best in the NFL.

I think the Eagles meet the Falcons in the NFC title game - again - and the result..........you'll find out later. Now you have to read the rest!


2) If life hands you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail.

That quote (courtesy: Forgetting Sarah Marshall) goes out to Carson Palmer - a quality QB who has had so many lemons jammed up his ass in his NFL career, its amazing he hasn't asphyxiated himself.

Anywhooooo, my prediction here is that the Bengals go 0-16 this season. Good ol' Carson realized that he could go home, sit on his couch, finger his butthole and win the same amount of games he would have as the starting QB for the Bengals.

Look at this friggin team - the starting QB (Andy Dalton) and number 1 WR (AJ Green) have never played a snap in the NFL, and Andy Dalton has bright red hair. The no. 2 WR is named Jerome Simpson. I don't think I need to elaborate there. And the starting RB just got out of prison - where he spent his entire 10 day sentence painting. All that is a recipe for one big steamy pile of shit.

I think maybe - maybe - with the fact that there are come other gaaaaawwwwwd awful teams in the NFL (Hi, Cam Newton! Hi, Alex Smith! Hi, Jason Campbell!) and the fact that they play the Browns twice means they should be able to cobble together one or two wins - but I actually think they are the worst of the worst, so I'm saying they match the Lions for futility and go 0-16.

Man, Ohio fucking sucks. The Reds finally made the MLB playoffs last year (beat by the Phils, nooch), seemed prime for an extended run at the top of the NL central, and promptly shit the bed and are now taking it in the ass from the Brewers. The Indians started off awesome, gave everyoe in Cleveland hope, and then as soon as people started giving them a serious look they, well, remembered that they were the Indians. I dont think I even need to talk about the Cleveland Cavaliers. I'm pretty sure everyone, even my Mom, is aware that LeBron created a show called "The Decision", and proceeded to buttfuck the entire city of Cleveland on a global stage - then as soon as Cleveland's collective asshole stopped bleeding, he and the Miami Heat came to town and buttfucked them again on national TV without using any lube. The Cleveland Browns? Right before they got reaaaaaaally good, Art Modell slipped into town in the middle of the night, moved them to Baltimore, called them the Ravens and they won a super bowl. The "new" Browns have lived through Derek Anderson, Jake Delhomme, and now Colt McCoy. I don't know how the suicide rate isn't higher. Ten there's the Columbus Blue Jackets. Want to hear all of the good things they have done since their creation?....................wanna hear it again? I've gone off on a tangent.

The Bengals are going to go 0-16. Moving on.....


3) If I keep making the same prediction every year, I'm bound to eventually be right.........right?

Oh, those loveable Lions. Last year, I predicted that Mo'town was on the rise, and that the Lions would finish second in the division and be in the running for a wild card spot. Weeeeeeeeell, due to Matty Stafford's separated shoulder, Jahvid Best's gimpy foot, and the Chicago Bears deal with Lucifer, that prediction didn't turn out so hot.

Did I learn my lesson? No. I'm pickin' em again - and if anything, I'm more confident. When Staff was in at QB last year, he was good.....like - viable starting fantasy QB good, and if he stays healthy, could put up really good numbers. Megatron, besides being owner of the best nickname this side of Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal, has the goods to be the best WR in the game if his QB stays heality (although he will NOT be the MVP - more on that later! That's right - a blog cocktease!) Before going gimpy, Jahvid Best had a shot at an incredible rookie season, and has looked great in the pre-season. Last, but in no way least - they also have a raging psychopath on defense by the name of "I don't know how to spell his first name - Suh." who is my pick for both Defensive Playor of the Year and Most likely to commit a homicide on a football field.

Lions finish 10-6 and steal the second wild card spot from the Cowboys. You heard it here first, last year. Then you heard it here again, this year.

4) Every ride comes to an end.

The Indianapolis Colts have had a helluva run, but like all good things, I can afford it. I mean, like all good things, it has to come to an end. Even before the complications to Peyton Manning's neck rehab came out earlier this week, I was already half convinced the Colts were gonna miss the playoffs this year - and now since Manning's neck is now a medical mystery and doctors have all of a sudden gotten incredibly vague, which is always a harbinger of doom, I am all but convinced the Colts magical run is over.

Manning might not play until sometime between week 3 and week 456 (like i said - vague), and the QB options are Kerry Collins, who is, I think two years older than my Dad or Curtis Painter, who has as much business being a NFL QB as Buffy, my english bulldog.

There is no running game to speak of between Joe "haven't been good in three years" Addai, Donald "I miss UConn" Brown and Mike "How the hell did I sneak into the NFL" Hart. Reggie Wayne is a year older than he was last year (same goes for everyone on the planet except Bob Costas), Austin Collie just got another concussion after hitting his head on a pillow, and an already porous defence has not improved.

I am tempted to say the Colts could finish sub-500, but I'll pull myself back and predict a 9-7 season, and no playoffs. The Colts slide into mediocrity dovetails nicely into my next prediction, which is....

5) The Houston Texans finally make the playoffs.

It seems like every year every NFL prognosticator says this is gonna be the year the Texans get off the shnide and make the playoffs. They certainly have the talent - Schaub has proven he is the real deal. He throws for 4,000 yards and a bushel of TD's every year. yeah he could cut down on INTs, but so sould everyone else. Andre Johnson is a beast, and until Megatron gets a reliable QB for 16 games, he is the best WR in the league. Arian Foster went from Steve Slaton's (who?!?!?) little known backup to a top 5 fantasy football RB. The defense is really really good. I'm joking. The defens is awful - but you would still think the Texans have enough to at least garner a winning season. Not so much.

Being a Houston Texans fan must really suck. The way I imagine it to be is like when you go to a strip club. You go inside and its like entering a dreamworld. There are all kinds of pretty things everywhere, and everyone's nice to you. Maybe you find a whore....er, slut....i mean.....cum dumpster.....er, i mean dancer....yeah, dancer that you like, and you go back into the special room for a private dance. Livin on a Prayer comes on, and that song rocks. Your selected dancer is removes her top and is rubbing up against you and it feels damn good. Pour some sugar on me comes on next and your friend's panties come off. There's more rubbing and now you're really excited. Rock me like a hurricane comes on next, and your companion is in full fledged dry hump mode and you're ready to burst. Then that feeling of intense pleasure comes over you, your mind goes blank and..........

three seconds later the chick has stopped rubbing on you, and she magically has her clothes back on in two seconds. The lights have gotten a little brighter and you see that even though she was super hot in the dark, in normal light she has stretch marks and more of a vagomach (vagine + stomach) than you thought, and whereas before her skin smelled like heaven, now you are painfully aware that smell is the 5,678 other guys she rubbed up on earlier. You realize you have been back there for 4 songs and you owe her a hundred bucks plus tip, but you already spent your cash on the absurdly high cover price and 10 dollar coors lights ar the bar, and the intense pleasure you felt a second ago is now drying on your upper thigh and become uncomfortable and sticky.

So basically, being a Texans fan has been like spending a buttload of money for watered down beer, cummy pants, and a decent amount of self loathing.

Until now. I think this is the year Texans fans walk past the strip bar, and meet a nice Christian girl who always smells good and never leaves you with no money and jizz drying on your upper thigh. Yeah. Texans win the division and make the post season. Let's move on before this becomes more uncomfortable.

6) Reggie Bush gets hurt

Just kidding. What kind of prediction would that be? Of course he is going to get hurt. He is apparently made of vagina.

6) Me and Julio down by the schoolyard

My pick for rookie of the year - Julio Jones. Can you think of a better situation for a rookie WR with tons of talent to go into? The Falcons were 14-2 last year, so clearly, a good team. They have a QB on the verge of enterting the top tier group, a workhorse RB that will always command attention, and the receiver that lines up on the other side of the field is one of the three or four best in the NFL. Throw in a future hall of fame tight end, and Julio Jones is going to have all kinds of open space to run around in.

You know Roddy will draw doubles all the time, teams will have to respect Turner, Gonzalez will draw coverage from a LB or a safety, leaving Julio with one on one coverage on more plays than not. If this guy has even half the talent that he is supposed to have - he should be at least the top offensive rookie in the league. I know a lot of people are on Mark Ingram's nutsack - and i think he is going to be good too - but Saints are super pass happy, and they have four running backs. i think Ingram may get more touches than Julio - but Julio makes the bigger impact.

Also, he is named Julio, which is fun.

7) The Dirty South

Remember when the NFC south was so bad that it seemed the teams would even be able to win if they were in the Big 12? The Saints used to be the Aints, the Bucs used to wear puke orange and be awful, the Falcons used to have Bobby Hebert at QB.....ahhh the good ole days. Now I predict that it will be the best and most competitive division in football.

First things first - throw out the Panthers. They suck. Newton is going to be Tarvaris Jackson revisited, they have no good receivers (Steve Smith meet Father Time, Father Time, meet Steve Smith) and no defense. Theyre going 3-13, 4-12 at best.

But - the other three teams in this division are all legit playoff contenders, and two of them are legit super bowl contenders. I've already discussed the Falcons. I dont think they go 14-2 this year, but 12-4 is not out of the question. Their offense was awesome last year and it got better with Julio and also adding Jacquizz Rodgers at RB to be a change of pace for Turner.

The Saints. Somehow, a team with Drew Brees at QB, the top RB in the draft (Ingram), a receiving core of 4 solid pass catchers, and a ball hawk defense has flown completely under the radar this pre-season. No one is really talking about the Saints and how butt nasty they could be. Again - 12-4, 13-3, not out of the question. They will be neck and neck with Atlanta all year long.

And last - the wild card - The Bucs. They were 10-6 last year and finished third. that sucks for them, and unfortunately for you tampa lovers, I think its gonna happen again. The Bucs will be competitve, be right with the two top dogs, cause them all kinds of headaches, but miss the post season again. I think a 9-7 or 10-6 finish is in the cards.

Anyway - no other division will have three teams this good.

8) The KC Chiefs are the real deal

So, every year there is a fluke team in the NFL. Some team that comes fromt out of the clear blue sky to be good, then immediately falls back into mediocrity afterwards. Lots and lots of smart people, and Merrill Hoge, are saying that the Chiefs are that team this year. They wont produce like they did last year, they wont win as many close games.....blah blah blah. I dont buy it.

First - the only team they have to contend with in their division are the Chargers. The Raiders have taken an enormous Nnamdi Asomugha sized step backwards, and the Broncos are a complete and utter disaster. The Chargers are good and talented, and are everyone's sexy pick (again) to go to the super bowl, and that could definitely happen. But the super Chargers also have a history of fading once fall turns to winter. Is that going to happen again? Actually I dont think so (more on that later). I think the Chargers win the division, and the Chiefs snag a wild card spot.

Second - the Chiefs defense is sneaky good. They are a decent pass coverage team and an excellent run stopping team. Tamba Hali is a superstar waiting to happen - KC realized it and paid him like one.

Third - Cassell and Bowe are a legit elite QB/WR tandem. I feel like even though he stepped in for Brady and led the Pats to an 11-5 record, then came to KC and was the catalyst for the Chiefs suddenly becoming relevant again last year - Cassel is still not thought of too highly. Hey, maybe he shouldnt be - but I say wins are wins. The guy is a winner and when you have a guy to throw to like......

Four - Dwayne Bowe is LEGIT. I dont care if you have a fluke season or not, you cant have 15 receiving TDs without having talent. Dude can play. Do i think he'll repeat those numbers? Probably not. Do i think 1100 yards and 10 Tds is realistic? yes, I do. Don't sleep on D-Bowe. Plus all the pressure won't be on him to produce because the Chriefs have....

9) The 2011 NFL MVP: Jamal Charles

Love this guy. I do not generally get sexually aroused by sports performances, but this dude gives me a sports boner. This dude was within .1 of setting an NFL ALL TIME RECORD last year for yards per carry. Seriously. Every time Jamal Charles touches the ball - the worst case scenario is likely a 7 yard gain.

He is lightning fast - has great hands (46 catches last year) and with Thomas Jones a year older, he is set to get more carries and more plays drawn up specifically for him this year. All of the points my dickface brother made about the Lions are valid. They also apply to the Chiefs. Fell good QB story....underdog becoming relevant again.....etc. I think Charles has an edge over Megatron just because by virtue of being a running back he will touch the ball more. Also - WRs typically do not win the MVP. Just sayin.

10) Eagles over Jets in the Super Bowl

Hey fuck you. I dont care if I'm a homer. I never, ever, ever, ever pick the Eagles because I'm afraid I'll jinx them, and guess what? they never fucking win anyway. So I'm going for it this year. This is the year. They took their biggest weakness last year (secondary, except for Asante) and upgraded with DRC and Nnamdi - two pro bowlers. They upgraded the D-line with Cullen Jenkins and Jason Babin to finally, finally take pressure off of Trent Cole (look OUT for Trent Cole this year).

The offense is largely intact - with the addition of a legit playmaker in Ronnie Brown to take some carries and be a third down guy.

Its all there. Eagles 27, Jets 17. Fuck you, Rex.