We Actually Wrote Another One. Rock and Roll!... No Seriously, This One's About Music

Being a sneaky, somewhat disingenuous, outside salesman has its perks - the whole free car and free gasoline thing chief among them. However, such luxuries aren't without their conditions / prerequisites, which is to say that if I'm going to have 'em, I gotta fuckin' use 'em. In other words, I drive... A LOT. This month alone I've made two quick trips to New Hampshire and back to Philly, with a few "quickies" to the assorted cities of NJ and NY sprinkled in there as well.

Alright, so why do I mention all of this? Don't worry, I'm not going to use this space to ramble on about work. No no. Instead, what I find interesting are the psychological diversions that inevitably seep into my mind during these ominously long business sojourns of mine so as to occupy it and keep it from getting completely lost. More specifically, during this most recent New England expedition, I just so happened to catch some of my all-time favorite song lyrics on various FM radio stations right in a row for about 20 minutes during the beginning of my six-hour trek home. And of course, this got me thinking -What are my top five song lyrics of all time?, which was quickly followed by, Why do I like listing/ranking things so much? I decided to ignore the latter, at least for the time being, and focus on the initial question. With that in mind, and since I gave this very idea approximately five hours and forty minutes of thought already in my car, I figured this would be a fun subject to write about, and perhaps even more fun to debate with my half-wit sibling.

And so here we are, time to reveal DJ's top five song-lyrics of all time. The criteria are very loose (here they are in case you'd like to comment with your own list, which, ya know, would be fun). First, it can't be a whole song's/verse's worth of lyrics; a few sentences at the most is what we're going for here. Also, there is no weight given to the popularity of the song; it can be the most obscure fuckin' thing in the world if you want. And lastly, it should probably apply to you in some way, whether it be inspirational, identifiable, it gets your heart beating faster, etc. Whatever, so long as it's good and it matters, that's it. Ok, off we go...Oh, wait, actually, one final word of admonishment: when Bill responds, brace yourself and try not to laugh when all five of his are fuckin' Bon Jovi lyrics (Yeah, we get it John, Tommy and Gina never backed down. Thanks. Let's move on...). Ok, here we go:


#5) "You can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad, and leave him when he's down. But I'm ready. Yes I'm ready for you. I'm standing on my own two feet. Out of the doorway the bullets rip, repeating the sound of the beat!" (Queen, "Another One Bites the Dust")

Every guy has been through relationships that have disintegrated. We've all had ex-girlfriends (or boyfriends! - hey, gotta keep the gays in mind here considering this lyrics WAS written by Freddie Mercury himself, whom I'm guessing was what they call a "power-bottom" in the gay community). And as ex's tend to do, they leave a very enduring and bitter taste in our mouths. And while we eventually get over them and/or how they wronged us - whether it be by, as Freddie notes, beating us, cheating on us, treating us bad, and leaving us when we're feeling down - we ultimately realize that we'll always somewhat of a resentment towards them. We realize we have to remember it so to prepare us for such a sad situation's potential recurrence if and when the next beeyatch comes around.

And it's in that aspect that I find happiness in these lyrics. Freddie's sayin' that some woman may come along and try to rip me to shreds (again), but ya know what, no. This time I'll be ready ("But I'm ready!"). This time I'm not layin' down for this shit ("I'm standing on my own two feet!"). This time, when you show up to crush my soul, I'm gonna see it coming and unload on your first in a way that is brutal. lethal. beautiful. rhythmic. ("Out of the doorway the bullets rip, repeating the sound of the beat!") Get it?

After all this, essentially these lyrics remind that I'm in control of everything, and anyone who dares try to take that from me is not going to get the chance. Because I'm better than you. And I can kill you. Hilarious.

#4) "It has to start somewhere. It had to start sometime. What better place than here? What better time than now?" (Rage Against the Machine, "Guerilla Radio")

Ya know what, who the fuck cares that virtually all of Zack De la Rocha's lyrics can essentially be boiled down to politically-driven bullshit? These lyrics right here nonetheless remain about the very best call-to-arms you're gonna find. It's the ultimate "if not now, when?" sentiment, and it is expressed in the most appropriate forum for such a concept, which is to say, in an aggressive hard rock song.

Even better, Zack apparently realizes that thunderous repetition of the song's short but powerful rhythm guitar/drum riffs in and of itself serves to instantly jack up your heart-rate so that it's furiously pumping blood on all cylinders (seriously, the instruments in this song are like the music equivalent of drinking a Red Bull laced with blow while watching the Eagles score a touchdown against the Cowboys), so he knows he doesn't have to take the easy way out and belt out his message by way of shrieking it at you. Instead, he waits until a brief moment when the music settles down a bit, all is quiet except for a gentle tapping of the high-hat (the gold cymbol shape atop most drum sets), and he whiiiiispers it at you. It's like he's planting a seed in your brain, but an important one that you won't forget. It's kinda like when the bad guys say, "Who...who...who ARE you?!?!" and Christian Bale pulls them close and whispers at them, "I'm Batmaaaan." Yeah, you get the idea now. That shit'll stay with you for-EVER! Also, Batman rocks.

Anyway, about the lyrics themselves... Do me a favor. Think about all the shit in your life you've never done, the things you wish you had more time to do, all that you fear it's getting "too late" to undertake, everything you fear you'll look back on one sad day as unfulfilled dreams. Then think about what's stopping you from getting on the fucking ball. Wife/spouse? Family? Career? Money? Are those things really stopping you, or are you just too fucking lazy to make it all work? Interesting to think about, and I think we both know the real answer there...

...So, while there are a myriad of different potential sources of inspiration out there, if you enjoy or can at least appreciate some quality hard rock music, you'll certainly find these lyrics here to be the gold standard. You know, I wanted to start writing - something, anything - for pleasure sometime around 2004. But it wasn't until 2009 when I was sitting alone in my apartment that I genuinely thought, What better place than HERE? What better time than NOW? Then I thought, That sounds cool when I put it like that. Where have I heard that before?...

#3) "And I wonder. When I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again. The only thing I'll ever ask of you - gotta promise not to stop when I say when." (Foo Fighters - "Everlong")

Let's get one thing straight - Dave Groehl is the best living rock star in the world. (Side note: Pearl Jammers of the world, take a fucking hike and don't come back until you're ready to speak objectively about things, okay? Thanks). And so whatever he has to say, we're gonna listen. And whatever he has to say, chances are it'll be epic. That's the truth... And never has said truth been more evident than in this little excerpt from what I believe is the Foo's single greatest song, "Everlong."

When asked about the mood/feel of the song, Dave once remarked that the entirety of it is meant to feel ethereal, fleeting, tenuous, dream-like. And he's right, it kinda does. Think about it - the song employs some typical grunge/alt rock chords and such, but it never picks up and pounds away too aggressively despite the fact that at times you think it's going to - specifically during the little escalating guitar riff just before he says "Aaand I wonder...", you know the part I mean - and the pace of his vocal delivery throughout the song is somewhat slooooow and feels almost sedated ("Cooooome down....and waaaste away with me....doooown with meee."), so it all does kinda make sense. The rythym and lyrics of "Everlong" kind of steal you away from reality for a little bit. In other words, it's very easy to allow your mind to drift while listening to it, which, as I've learned from past experience, makes it a horrible driving song - "Ooooh I'm in the wrong lane and there's a truck coming right at me, but whatever I don't care cuz I'm rapt and floating in an ocean of Foo Fighters ecstasy... And I wonder. Could anything ever feel this goood aaaaagai... Fuck!, a truck's coming right at me!"

Ok, so why do I even mention the dreamy tone of the song? Well, because it makes the specific lyrics I chose here even more incredible. Simple as that. Allow me to illustrate... Clearly, Mr. Groehl is singing to the person he loves, and really what he's saying is that what he feels with her (presumably its a "her." I've heard no reports that Dave Groehl and Freddie Mercury had that much in common) is so good and perfect that it's actually hard to believe that it's real. You can tell he feels like he's in a dream from which he doesn't want to wake up, so the only thing he ever asks of her is that whatever she's doing, she doesn't stop ("Gotta promise not to stop when I say when...") Jesus, has there ever been another occurrence in rock history in which such a genuinely romantic and admirable sentiment has been so seamlessly emoted within the framework of a legit alt/hard rock song? I dare say no. And that's fucking awesome.

Plenty of rock stars have bellowed "I love you," "I need you," or some other less than memorable and conventional anecdote into a microphone, and they get their point across I guess. But nobody has ever done it quite like Dave did in "Everlong." Prove me wrong...

#2) "Ain't no surprise in the club to see Sly Stallone. Miami, my second home. Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn." (Will Smith, "Miami")

Ya know, people don't give Will Smith enough credit. His beats have always been catchy. His attitude is consistently classy, and his lyrics are, quite frankly, infectious. When you hear them, you can't stop singing 'em! And sometimes that's all you need from music, right? Just to feel it? I think so, and that's why "Miami" and everything about it works so well.

If you got this far, congratulations. I'm hoping your mouth is hanging open. Relax. Of COURSE this has been one big joke. "Miami" is the stupidest fucking song ever! Sly Stallone? Really? That's the best line you could come up with, Will? It doesn't even really rhyme with "home!" Ha! Ok, on to the real number two...


#2) "Me, I figure as each breath goes by, I only own my mind." (Pearl Jam, "I Am Mine")

Ok, you got me. I'm joking again. There's no fucking WAY I'm gonna cave and arbitrarily deify these guys like so many other mindless lemmings whose adolescence just so happened to coincide with this band's proliferation in the early 90's. Guess what - if they didn't blow up at the exact same time you discovered what a guitar was, you wouldn't dig them that much either. PJ is good/very good, but nonetheless overrated as shit. Congratulations, you're the Tom Brady of rock music - despite your talent, nobody who pays attention to your craft has been able to lay eyes on you without getting nauseous since 2001. Eddie Vedder knows it, too. That's why he wrote that song "I am a Patriot." Zing, motherfucker! Ok, now, I promise we're on to the real number two.

#2) "I look at the world and notice its turning, while my guitar gently weeps. With every mistake we must surely be learning; still my guitar gently weeps." (The Beatles/George Harrison, "While My Guitar Gently Weeps.")

Ok, we're doing a thing here about timeless and powerful song lyrics, so why and/or how the fuck could I possibly justify NOT putting my favorite part from my favorite song by maybe the most legendary band/artist of all time on here? Well, I couldn't justify it, and so here it is.

One might think that the higher on this list I get, the more prophetic or profound the lyrics might strive to be. Definitely not the case here. In fact, this is quite the opposite. To me, these lyrics amount to nothing more than a pleasant little reality check. They're grounding. They're simple. They're a reminder that while so many rock-n-rollers are trying so hard to find that universally encompassing and legendary sound and voice, or to emphasize how painful life/death can be, or to remind the world how poignant, stinging, and enduring the pangs of love are, etc. that in the end, time, life, and the world will continue to move on unflinchingly. Despite the thickly dramatic mood that permeates so much of the music scene and is ultimately and ceaselessly rammed down our throats , the world continues to turn. That's always a nice reminder.

In other words, The Beatles - as admittedly guilty as they are as well of such heavy wording from time to time (after all, he does say "MY" guitar) - have the impressive ability to take a step back and tell the rest of the whining music community, "Hey guys. Why are we complaining all the time? Fuckin' relax. Life goes on. Deal with it." For a person who is so helplessly given to exaggeration (muah), that, again, is such a welcomed reminder, and one I don't mind hearing again and again.

#1) "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun." (Billy Joel, "Only the Good Die Young")

Quick, everyone who thought DJ was gonna save some Metallica for the top spot, go do a shot of Jager. I'll wait.... Doesn't taste quite as good as it did in college, does it? Noooo, no it doesn't. In fact, it tastes like shit. I don't know how I didn't realize this earlier. Whatever, moving on...

I enjoy that the theme/idea behind the Beatles lyrics I used immediately above dovetail so nicely into these from Billy Joel. To someone with a healthy penchant for rambling, segue is such a fantastic convenience to have. Oh, and with that in mind....

The Beatles reminded me that despite life's problems, the world hasn't ended. I'm still alive, which, ya know, is nice. But Billy Joel takes it a step further. He reminds me here that not only is it important to remember that life inevitably goes on, it's even more crucial to have some fucking fun while I'm at it. After all, what's the point in enduring if you can't take advantage of it? What's the point in spending all your time worrying and crying? Go out and live, even if that means sinning here and there, because - at the risk of sounding cliche - you only get to do so once. Whatever makes ya genuinely happy, people. When it's all said and done, thriving is of paramount and equal importance to simply surviving.

That's right, folks. DJ Mazzola's number one music lyric ever is little more than en endorsement of a purely hedonistic point of view. Is ANYONE surprised? I doubt it. Happiness at all costs. Fuck karma, fuck a suffocating sense of discipline, and above all, fuck everyone with a skewed and laughably sheltered view of right and wrong.....Ahhhh, that feels better.

Listen, I'm not advocating chaos. I'm not saying I'm encouraging people to hurt one another, drive drunk, consider drug-use to be a recereational activity, etc. I'm really not. It's more of a mindset than anything else. Don't feel bound. Don't get caught up. Don't fucking worry. Smell the goddamn roses. And yes, in some cases by "smell" I mean "mouth-bang" and by "goddamn roses" I mean "as many high-school girls as you can." Haha.

See, I just made a joke there about statutory rape. Ya know why? Because it was funny, albeit a bit juvenile. Because I laughed when I thought of it. Because you should laugh too. Because making people laugh makes me happy. Because it doesn't hurt anybody. Because I don't have the time to genuinely give a fuck what you think about my worldview. Because fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. That's why. Because it felt good to push the proverbial envelope as it pertains to etiquette, etc.

If you didn't join me in laughing just now, I suggest you do so next time. Why? Because I'm a fucking sinner. That's why.
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There you have it, my top five. Of course, there has indeed been a method to my madness all along here. If you care to notice, there is what I thought to be a nice little progression form my #5 to #1. The thoughts/meanings/interpretations of each slowly evolve from preparation for more pain to focusing solely on the positive elements of life during the relatively little time I have to live and letting the all other burdens of the world just fall away. In other words....:

Queen told me to get ready to fight back because pain/heartbreak may come again.

Rage Against the Machine told me that it's not enough to cling to such good ideas, but taking chances and risking more pain are nonetheless of urgent and immediate importance.

Foo Fighters told me that such actions are absolutely worth it when you acquire whatever it is I seek/find what it is I'm really looking for/etc.; so worth it, in fact, that it'll feel almost unreal when I get there.

The Beatles told me that there will be trying obstacles along the way, but I gotta just keep going and keep living because it's rarely ever as bad as it seems.

And Billy Joel told me that it'll all be over in a blink anyway, so I better make damn sure that I consider whatever road I'm on as a fucking gift, and not just a challenge to be conquered.

Got me?

One last note - seriously, it was like a hundred paragraphs ago, Pearl Jammers - fuckin' relax, I'm just playin'. God.

DJ


Hey - Bill here. I don't have a long introduction here. I think this is an awesome topic, and probably the most subjective topic one could write about. Everybody leads a different life, and everybody's unique life has a unique soundtrack. A lyric that strikes a deep emotional chord with someone may seem like toilet bowl lyrics to another. Just sayin.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll present my five favorite song lyrics ever. Fear not - despite what my legions (read: 7 - several of which are related to me) of fans and my loveable idiot brother think, there are no lyrics from Mr. John Bongiovi or Richard Sambora on my list. I love Bon Jovi for what they are, I have fun getting amped listening to their songs and fist pumpin in my stonewashed jeans and mocking the 50 year old women trapped in 1987 at their concerts - but lyrical poets they ain't. In fact, despite my deep seeded love of 80 hair metal, there is nary a hair metal lyric on my list.

I Can't say the same for DJ. "Another one bites the dust"? Really? We're gonna rip on Eddie Vedder but put Queen on the top 5 list - the band that gave us such gems as "We are the Champions, no time for losers".....I mean, talk about simple. But as my Grandmom would say, DJ is simple - so I guess that makes sense.

My choices here are simply lyrics that have touched me, stayed with me, made me think and have evoked emotion in me - whether it be a good, bad, happy, sad, depressing, or uplifitng emotion - or I just simply like the way the words sound when sung. These are the ones that have stayed with me over the now 33 years I have been on this planet.

5) "It's a semi-true story
Believe it or not
I made up a few things and there's some I forgot
But the life and the tellin' are both real to me
And they all run together and turn out to be
A semi-true story"
-Semi-True Story
Jimmy Buffett

C'mon, who is really surprised? At least I didn't put Jimmy at #1. As you will kind of see with the rest of my list, I'm really big on musicians and bands who are storytellers. I like songs that kind of paint a picture, so that when I listen to it its almost like I'm reading a musical book, and for my money - Jimmy is one of the best storytellers out there. Every one of his songs sounds like some sort of sun soaked, alcohol fueled tropical anecdote that either happened to him or to someone he knows - and I like that.

This song in particular I think applies to almost everyone. Everyone's life is sort of a semi-true story. You remember the key points and the spots you don't remember - you kind of fill in with things that make the story funny and memorable. Every good story gets embellished more and more as time goes by.

When I was in college, the best year was my junior year - which was sadly, 1998. I was living with two other guys. I will change their names to protect their anonymity. Let's call them
Crank Fonicella and Gike Mivnish. Anyway - in the beginning of this alcohol fueled haze of a school year, the three of us threw a party in our room.

Here's how we tell the story:

As was the case with most of our parties, there were way too many people in the room - usually we say around 50, and way too much noise emanating from the room. We were bound to get in trouble. Almost everyone in the room was under 21 and some were RA's (resident advisors - dorm police) themselves, and theoretically we would all be in a world of trouble if caught. And before long - RA came to the room and knocked on the door so hard you would have thought a gang rape was going on inside.

Absolute pandemonium broke out as people looked to escape getting in trouble. In a moment of inspired stupidity, someone opened our second story window and begain tossing people out of it like they were paratroopers being dropped behind enemy lines during world war 2. People were smashing into each other trying to get out of the room. The RA was pounding on the door like he was busting into a potential meth lab. Crank Fonicella was shouting to the RA that he was putting on his clothes and would be there in a second. One guy, let's call him Karrod Jedersha jumped out of the window and landed on his tailbone. For some reason Gike Mivnish dove out of the window, even though he lived in the room, and broke his ankle. Just as the scores of people on the lawn under the window had run away, the RA had finally gone and gotten the master key to the dorm. Crank Fonicella and I stripped to ouor underwear, because we thought it would be funny, and when the RA finally barged in expecting a party, he found only me and frank in the center of the room surrounded by roughly a bajillion empty beer cans.

That's mostly true. In reality, it was probably 20 or so people, tops. I'm not really sure. People did jump out the window to avoid getting in trouble, but it was about a 4 foot drop. The RA did knock on the door, but probably fairly normally. Karrod Jedersha did jump out and land on his ass, but he was mostly fine. Gike Mivnish did sprain his ankle, mostly because he is incredibly unalthetic. The RA came in - Frank and I were probably not in our underwear, and there were surely some beer cans around, but not all that many - most were in the trash. We were probably sitting on the couch.

See - one story is clearly better than the other. I don't think any of us are precisely sure what happened that night, so when we re-tell the story, as we often do when we get together nowadays, it gets embellished a little more each time. When we're telling it to our grandkids, it will be a 6th story window and people will be hangliding out of it. There's a lot of stories from my life that are like that - and for some reason I think of this particular night when I hear this song. I dont really know why.

Anyway - thats a long winded way of saying that everyone's life is a semi true story. You get older, you forget details - but the key points remain the same. The life you lived and the telling of the story remain real, even if the details become lost or exaggerated. Thats life, and its pretty cool.


4) "Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord take you away"
-Aerosmith, "Dream On"

So, for my brother, it was Billy Joel. For me, its Steven Tyler. Ugh, sounds like I came out on the short end of that stick, since Aerosmith has lots its balls and Tyler is now a judge on American Idol. But back in the dizzay - Aerosmith rocked. I'm not advocating the use of recreational drugs, do em if you want to - its your life, but there's no doubt that early drug fueled, banging groupies backstage before coming out for the encore Aerosmith was awesome, and "Dream On" was their Mona Lisa.

Love this song for two reasons - First, for me, the message in this song is the same message my dinkus brother got out of Billy Joel (which, admittedly was another fine choice). The message: Live for the now. Its not a new message - there are a bajillion and three songs out there that have the "seize the day" message, but for me, few are as memorable as this one. Tyler and Perry are saying it in the simplest way possible - celebrate life with me, celebrate the happy, celebrate the sad, celebrate it now - even if its just today, because if you don't, you might not get another chance. Sometimes life is awesome - sometimes is sucks, but you should be thankful for both the good and the bad, because it could all be taken away at any time.

Second, musically, the song flat out rocks. Besides having real meaning behind the words, it is one of the most hair raising, inspiring choruses to a song ever. I dare you to not get pumped up listening to this tune. It is one of the most overplayed rock songs of all time, and I'll still keep it on and turn up the volume every time I catch it.

3) "Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And asked me if I would
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said,
Tell me are you a Christian child
And I said - Ma'am I am tonight"
-Walking in Memphis
-Marc Cohn

So - when I was initially thinking about this, I originally thought that I would want each of my selections to not only be personal favorites of mine, but also have some sort of deeper meaning that one can apply to life or something. (hence - no Bon Jovi, Poison, Warrant etc....) I wanted to come off deep and poignant and thoughtful. I failed.

According to Mr. Cohn, this song is about Cohn's spiritual awakening when being introduced to the blues roots in the city of Memphis. Thats kind of a cool thing, but it has no practical application to my life, no deeper meaning that I can assign to myself or other people - but fuck it man, I love this song. I don't know what the lyrics mean, but I love them. I love singing them. I pretty much love every verse of this song, but I chose this one because I just love the way he nails the line - "tell me are you a Christian child and I said - ma'am I am tonight"

I just think its a beautiful song. I was gonna skip it, and put something in here that was more applicable to life, but I realized that would be lying. And the more I thought about it, the more I was ok with putting this here. There's something to be said for just loving something for the way it sounds and not looking so deep into everything. When I listen to this song, I can't help but sing it at the top of my lungs, and even though I'm not sure what the lyrics mean, I like the way they sound next to each other. Sorry if that wasn't a good explanation - but that's all I got.


2) "I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate.
perhaps that's what no one wants to see
I just wanna scream......hello
my God it's been so long, never dreamed you'd return
but here you are, and here I am."

-Elederly Woman Behind a Counter in a Small Town
Pearl Jam

First off, fuck you Donald. Pearl Jam is awesome. Do i think they are the greatest rock band of all time? No, I don't. Do I think Eddie Vedder is the greatest living rock star? No, I don't. Do I think Dave Groehl is? Not by a long shot. You do know that Eric Clapton, Paul McCartney and Bruce Springsteen are still alive right? Hell, even Bono.........kidding. But still - Dave Groehl as the greatest living rock star? A liiiiiiiiiiittle retarded there, pal. I think I'm speaking pretty objectively here - I think, if anything, calling Groehl the greatest rocker alive is not willing to be objective. As Chandler Bing would say - Hello, pot? This is Kettle. You're black.

Anyway - I think Pearl Jam has a friggin reservoir of songs that really strike an eomotional chord with me, which is probably why I love them so much. Also - they rock really hard. Anyway, this song - to me there isn't a hidden meaning or anything here. It's just sad as all hell. When Eddie was asked about this song he said:

"Its kind of about a lady, and she's stuck in this small town. Small towns fascinate me: You either struggle like hell to get out, or some people wanna stay because they're the big fish in a small pond, and then there are others that just kind of get stuck there. So here she is working in this little nothing place, and then an old flame comes in, and he's probably driving a nice car and looking kind of sharp. Not a fancy car i don't think - but he's has moved on. And she sees him, and at first she doesn't even remember who he is, and then she realizes who it is. But she's too embarassed to say hello."

That doesn't really apply to me at all - I'm from a big city (fuck yeah, philly) and I've never been in that kind of situation - and I don't imagine I ever will be, but fuck me if that isn't the saddest thing of all time. Life has just kinda passed this lady by, she's the same person now as she was in the past, and its so humiliating and embarassing, she can't bring herself to talk to this guy. My favorite line is the "i changed by not changing at all" bit. I love that. Most people change by spreading their wings and exploring. Leaving home, getting a job, getting married etc...but this lady hasn't changed at all - and in doing so, she has become unrecognizeable even to someone who used to be romantically involved with her. That's incredibly profound to me. Maybe I'm simple, but man, that gets me. I just can't think of a lot that is sadder than this.

This song always puts me in a thoughtful mood, and I think that is what the best songs do. I'm sad for the lady in the song, but i'm happy that it's not me. It makes me wonder about all the people and places from my own past. How have they changed? Who is the exact same as they were when I knew them? Would I recognize the people from my past? This song also makes me think about how eventually everything fades, and we are really pretty powerless to do anything about it. Man, it's a sad ass song, and I guess that's why I love it. Anything that can bring about that powerful an emotion, whether it be good or bad, happy or sad, uplifting or depressing - and in this case, a sort of mish-mash of all kinds of emotions - that's gotta mean its an incredible song, no? Methinks yes.

1) "Hey what else can we do now
except roll down the window
and let the wind blow backyour hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes can take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real'
To trade in some wings on these wheels
Climb in back, heaven's waiting on down the tracks
Oh, oh come take my hand
Riding out tonight to case the promised land
oh-oh thunder road, oh thunder road, oh thunder road"
-Thunder Road
Bruce Springsteen

I realize I wrote a lot of the lyrics there, but really - I could have written the whole song down. I think Thunder Road is the greatest American rock and roll song ever written, by the greatest living rock star we have right now. Even better than Dave Groehl. It's also my favorite song of all time. I talked before about how I like storytellers, so i won't re-hash it, but I dont think there has ever been a song that is so.......cinematic. I can almost see the movie playing as I'm listening to the song.

I don't think there is any one meaning behind Thunder Road. Springsteen himself said that "the song means different things to different people" - but you can make that argument about almost anything. My point is that some songs are clearly about love, some clearly about heartbreak, some clearly about kicking ass - but this song doesn't fall neatly into any category. I found an article by Nick Hornby (author of High Fidelity and About a Boy) who believes it is the quintissential American rock song. He says, among other things -

"I love the ambivalence of the song, how you can feel the narrator's desperation and the fear that he might not realize his dreams. You don't know if the narrator of the song is capable of achieving his dreams, but you can certainly identify with the plight of young people with the uncertain road of life ahead of them. Its a scary time. Some people wander that road forever. Thunder Road has been heard by almost everyone on the planet, and somehow I think it is still underexposed, and certainly overlooked for how genius a song it is."

Clearly there is a reason Nick Hornby is a successful author an I'm not (YET!) - I'm not nearly as eloquent. I've heard a lot of interpretations of this song - some like Mr. Hornby's are hopeful, some people see it as tragic - that no matter what they try, the narrator and Mary aren't going to escape the small town they are in. Some people think it is about the redemptive power of rock and roll (which I like). Some people think its a just a love letter from Bruce to cars and guitars (nothin wrong with that).

For me this song is about driving full speed toward the great unknown. Not death, but life. Anything, absolutely anything is possible. The open road in this song is a symbol for the freedom to do whatever the hell you wanna do with your life. Grab the girl (or guy) you love, jump in the car and go live your dreams. It's an incredibly exhilirating, upifting, tap your foot and pump your fist rock and roll song that to me, is a metaphor for why living is so great. Because whatever happens in your life is completely up to you. Yeah - that's a little idealistic of me, but who cares. that's what rock n roll is for.

So there you have it. Today, October 18th, 2011 - those are my five favorite song lyrics out there. Tomorrow, the list might look different. There were a lot of songs I had on here and dropped, and put back on - it was a tough list to make. Some honorable mentions - I wont write all the lyrics here - but i considered portions of "And so it Goes" by Billy Joel, "The Pass", by Rush, "In my Life" by the Beatles, "Fade to Black" by Metallica, "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, and absolutely, unequivocally nothing by U2. Fuck Bono.

I think the one thing we can all take away from this is that my songs are better than my brother's, because I am better than him.

Bill

Let's Try This Again...

Hello everyone. So as far as this blog is concerned, it's been almost exactly one calendar year since Bill and I actually decided to get off our asses and post something...Actually, we'd have to be on our asses - ya know, sitting down and typing - in order to post something, but whatever, fuckin' semantics. You get the idea; we're going to try to re-boot this dual blog of ours, and we figured we'd try to do so by once again offering up some bold NFL predictions and whatnot.

And why shouldn't we start here again? Well, actually I can't speak for Bill's dumb ass, but I know at least I am pretty damn good at this shit. Hell, if you scroll down to last year's posts, you'll see that one of us correctly picked the Super Bowl winner in fucking August (hint: it wasn't Bill). Clearly then, one can assume I can be trusted here. Read my thoughts for their insight, analysis, comprehensiveness, and so forth. Then, if you're up for it, read what Bill has to say. You'll probably think what he has to say is adoreable, like watching a retard trying to read. In other words, Deej will make you go "Hmmm, intereseting," and Bill will make you go "Awww, he's trying SO hard..." Got it? Good. So, without further adieu, here are your top 10 NFL truisms for 2011:

1) The Philadelphia Eagles are not a "dream team" and will not even reach the NFC Championship Game

I actually feel this is the most obvious of my ten predictions, so I figured I'd get it out of the way early.

I've heard folks draw weak analogies between the 2011 Eagles and the Miami Heat. That's stupid. You can't draw comparisons between them. Sure, Vick and LeBron are almost equally villanous as seen by most of humanity, albeit for far different reasons, but Vick has never been billed as the savior of any particular town/team. He's never been pegged as the second coming of John Elway or Joe Montana, at least not nearly as regularly as LeBron is compared to MJ. And Vick isn't necessarily supposed to personally engineer a championship run every single year. So that's out. Moving on, Nnamdi Asomugha is not Dwyane Wade because Wade is far less handsome and articulate, but he also has a ring. Nnamdi played in Oakland, so suffice it to say that to this point in his career, the only hardware he's seen are the metaphorical huge metal dildos Al Davis has been ramming up the Raiders organization metaphorical asshole for a couple decades now.

In fact, the only reasonably comparison here is Chris Bosh to Vince Young. They've both reached multiple all-star games and such, but somehow they're both kind stupid and stinky. Nobody would trust either one to win a big game in the clutch. I know VY has come up big at times here or there in the past, but still, he's a dumbass. And we all know it.

I've already gotten way off track. The point here is that we're not like the Heat. No, if you want to compare us to an underachieving NBA "powerhouse", the Eagles are much more like he friggin' Orlando Magic. At different points last season, Orlando employed Dwight Howard, Gilbert Arenas, Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis, Vince Carter, Hedo Turkoglu, and Jason Richardson. You know what they all have in common? - they're all all-stars. And ya know how far Orlando got this past season? - the first fucking round of the playoffs, where they lost to a team with less individual talent but more chemistry (Atlanta Hawks).

So why did that happen? - because a shit-load of talented individuals does not a dream team make. Got it? And that's what we have in Philly - a bunch of all-stars who haven't proven they can do a damn thing together, and most of whom came from shit teams (Asomugha - Oakland, Young/Babin - Tennessee, Ronnie Brown - Miami). The only proven winner we signed was Cullen Jenkins. That's a welcomed addition, but it ain't everything. And it certainly doesn't cover up the glaring holes we have at LB and OL...

The Eagles are a good team; good enough to make the playoffs anyway. But when they get there, either New Orleans or Green Bay is going to fuck them up before they go anywhere. You heard it here first from the world's biggest Eagles fan. Be prepared.

(The rest of my predictions will be shorter....)

2) Kevin Kolb will improve the Cardinals significantly, but not significantly enough to win the NFC West


I said it last year, and I'll say it again. Kolb's got some skill. It's just a shame that Clay Matthews broke him in half during the first friggin' quarter of the first friggin' game last season. In Arizona, he'll prove it. With a legit top-flight receiver in Larry Fitz and a former all-star tight end with a good amount of gas left in the tank in Todd Heap, he's gonna show us something.

The only problem is that the rest of the Cardinals are still pretty fuckin' soft... softer than the St Louis Rams anyway, who will indeed be the team to represent the NFC West in the playoffs.

To clarify, I'm still not a believer in that fiberglass female they have throwing the ball in St Louey (Sam Bradford), but he's got more around him to help him win. The Rams are gonna rip off about 8 or 9 wins (be sure to watch week one when they host the Eagles - upset alert!), and I'm betting that's going to be one or two better than Arizona. Give Kolb and the Cards one more year. For now, let Bradford and the Rams be the other team besides Philly who bows out of the NFC playoffs in the first round.

3) Believe it or not, that's Cam Newton in Carolina, not Jamarcus Russell...

Has anyone seen the Panthers pre-season highlights at all? I can't imagine why you would have forced yourself to endure even one friggin' second of Panthers football unless you're that starved for football and/or are doing some an unhealthy amount of fantasy football research. Personally, I'm a victim of the former, and so I've seen this fucking dipshit Cam Newton attempt to play QB at the professional level a few times now. And Jesus Christ...he stinks sumptin' awful. I know there's a learning curve for rookies and all, but my God, his comfort level seems to approximate what mine would be if I were to settle down and watch a porno with my parents.

Cam, you can run fast. Congratulations. So could Marcus Vick. And what's he doing now - flippin' burgers and slapping white bitches? I thought so. Now maybe I'm just a little old-fashioned, but I always thought that in order to play quarterback, you had to be able to, ya know, throw the ball in such a way that your completion percentage and Jayson Werth's batting average aren't fucking mirror images of each other. This asshole even tried the old Tim Tebow jump-pass once this pre-season....for real. And you'll never guess what happened - the pass almost got picked off but luckily fell harmlessly incomplete. Amazing, right? What a doofus.

Quickly, I have neither the time, energy, nor patience to divulge my thoughts on Tim Tebow. What a nut-rag. Back to Newton...

In fact, fuck it, I'm taking this prediction a step further. Cam Newton is gonna stink it up so bad that his presence will not yield any more wins than Jimmy Klausen's did. Two wins for Carolina, at most. There you have it. They stink. And Cam Newton is stupid.

4) The Baltimore Ravens are soft, and they won't make the playoffs

Before I get into what I don't like about the team, just consider the competition. The Steelers are gonna win that division; everyone knows this. The Patriots and Jets will both be in as well from the AFC East. So that means Baltimore is relegated to banking on their customery #6 seed in the playoffs. Already, it's not so tough to see why I made this prediction - there's essentially only one spot up for grabs.

Furthermore, let's say the Texans finally get it done in the AFC North as many seem to think they will. Does that mean everyone's going to sleep on the Colts all year? Sure, missing Manning in the first weeks will be rough, but if Indy starts off 1-2 before getting Peyton back, who's to say they can't finished 10-6 or so? Especially since they play Tennessee and Jacksonville twice each? I certainly think it's possible, so that's one contender for the #6 seed right there.

Out west, I think San Diego is a safe bet to win. But they didn't win that division last year, remember? KC did. And what, are we to expect they got worse? I don't think so, especially with Jamal Charles bursting onto the scene the way he did. Nope, they're here to contend, and that's another potential 10-win team, especially since they have Oakland and Denver twice each.

Couple aaaaaall of this with the fact that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed are getting a bit long in the tooth and their offense has looked about as reliable and coherent as fuckin' Charlie Sheen during the pre-season, and I say it all adds up to disappointment in Baltimore. I mean, shit, Flacco's weapons consist of, what, Anquon Boldin, Ray Rice, and a half-decent Lee Evans? Dude, that's only Two and A Half Men! (ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!)

5) Did you draft Chris Johnson? I'm sorry to hear that...

Ok, let me clarify. He's still a great back, and he's still going to get you a bunch of points, but only if....

Well, that's just it - there are too many fucking "if's" with this guy. First off, he just signed a mega-deal, which means he won't be nearly as hungry, etc. I mean, clearly he's only out for the proverbial "number one" (himself) and doesn't give a fuck about his team, otherwise he would have accepted the earlier offer, which would have made him the highest paid runner EVER, and he'd have had time to get into camp and get to know his new QBs, which is of extreme importance.

But no, instead he decided to stay at home and wait for even more money to flow in, which he knew it would. And now he has exactly one fucking week to prepare for the regular season. God knows if he's been keeping himself in football shape, first of all. If his appearance/speech/demeanor suggest anything, it's that he's been riding around in some ridiculous low-rider, ignoring traffic so that he can check out how shiny his gold teeth look in the rearview mirror, and continuing to do his absolute best to completely ignore the fundamentals of the spoken English language. In other words - not focusing on his fucking job and working out.

And shit, even if he has, he's still not in game shape. And he's still inevitably going to be rusty. Plus, as I alluded to above, he hasn't played a single snap with either Matt Hasselbeck or Jake Locker! Wait until you see how many times they fuck up the play-call, botch the hand-off, or simply show just how far off their timing is on passing routes during the first few weeks. And it WILL take a few weeks for him to learn/adapt, for as I've already implied in no uncertain terms, if you've ever seen Chris Johnson try to conduct himself off the field, he's a fucking moron.

And on top of everything, Tennessee stinks. You heard it here - Chris Johnson is going to seriously underperform, at least during the first month or two of the season.

6) NFC North - First to Worst

That resounding THUD! your heard when the pre-season began was, in fact, the other shoe dropping on Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears. This team made the NFC Championship game last year. This year, well, at least Jay Cutler can be happy that there won't be any cameras on him this time when he's widing the wittle bike to wepair his hurt wittle weg, because they don't keep cameras in the fucking cellar. And that's exactly where he'll be. He and the Bears will finish the season in last place in the NFC North.

At this point in his career, Jay Cutler ain't gettin' any better. He is what he is, which is to say he has the ability to throw a football 90 yards down the field, but he also throws way too many picks, he makes bad decisions, he overthrows half of his bombs, he's not sufficiently emotionally involved in the game, he's not enough of a vocal leader, and more than anything else, he's fucking soft. Such a definition will never - ever - warrant any kind of championship. When the Bears traded all those draft picks for him, they didn't realize it, but they put themselves in dire straits for the long-term. Folks in Chi-town better hope for another fluke like 2010, because logic suggests that they're gonna be struggling for a while.

For the record, Jay Cutler has one career playoff win under his belt... and it came at home against a 7-9 Seahawks team. Congratulations, asshole.

The rest of the team isn't too great either. Johnny Knox is about as relevant as Johnny Knox-ville these days, and ironically enough, each of them usually looks like a "Jackass" on television. (Once again, zing). Then they went out and got Roy Williams, who you might remember as the guy who didn't do SHIT in Dallas. They also still have Matt Forte running the ball. I think my thoughts on Forte can be best described by way of a question - if you play fantasy football and you draft Matt Forte, how do you feel afterwards? Like, right after you put his sticker on the big board, you got back to your seat, take a bite of your sandwich, and you feel...... kinda nauseous, right? I mean, the book suggests you take him at whatever point in the draft, so you take him at that point, but you really can't feel good about it. Then when you go over your lineup with your friends who aren't in the league later on and they ask who you got, you say, "My team's good! I got Rodgers throwing, Andre Johnson's gonna kick ass at receiver!, Ray Rice is gonna run people over!, and then, well, then I got Matt Forte, which is pretty good I guess, right?" You get the idea.

It's kinda like when you're having very mediocre sex, and you instinctively close your eyes and go to the highleet reel, which is to say you start running through in your head all the most memorable sexual encounters of your life just so that you can get through your immediate, underwhelming situation. Actually, this most often happens during less than stellar oral. You don't wanna embarass the girl by getting flaccid and blaming her for using her teeth and lacking rhythm, so you close your eyes - which brings with the ancillary benefit of allowing you to feign ecstasy - and the reel automatically starts. You may remember your high school girlfriend, the whore at the beach that summer, the tranny outside the deli (wait, forget that one), the cougar you met on the business trip, the one dude's mom, etc..., then all the sudden you remember Karen, the very plain-jane girl you met at the bar one night and only took home because numerous shots of Petron to which you treated yourself transformed her from an unacceptable 4.5/10 to a tolerable 6/5/10. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't great. You don't necessarily regret it, but you don't really want to remember it that much. So you skip it and concentrate on something else before you get annoyed........ Karen is Matt Forte.

Lets move on.

7) Sleeper Team, and "Boy" do I hate admitting this...

But its true... it's the Dallas Cowboys.

First off, let me define "sleeper" the way I see it: a team that almost nobody on the national level is speaking of as having any chance to contend for their conference championship.

From where I sit, absolutely nobody is making a peep about the Cowpokes. And I think the reasoning is three-fold: 1) Whenever the NFC East comes up, everyone's too busy salivating over the fucking Eagles, 2) For whatever reason, people think the team ain't that good, and 3) People believe Tony Romo is a pussy.

I agree with #3 whole-heartedly, because he is, unequivocally, a fucking pussy...

Buuuuuuuuuuuuut..... he IS the guy who led that team to a 14-2 record in 2007. So I don't want to hear that he can't get it done in the regular season (post-season is another story). He has engineered sparkling regular seasons in that town before, and with a worse coach in Wade Philips. Side note - I think it's funny whenever really fat people are named "Wade," because whenever they walk they have to struggle, as if they're continuously "wading" through something. It's like they're eternally stuck in the shallow end of a swimming pool.

Anyway, so pussy-boy now has a better coach in Garrett. He has more than adequate targets in Austin, Witten, and Dez Bryant (fantasy steal, by the way). And perhaps best of all, he does NOT have Marion Barber anymore. I swear, that guy was a liability the longer the season went on. Instead, they're gonna run Felix Jones into the ground, and I think that's a wise move. He's the guy, so give him the ball!... All of this simply means that the team is gonna score some point this year. I know they have O-Line problems, but hey, so do the Eagles, and everyone's ready to fellate them all the way to the Super Bowl, so, ya know, whatever...

On defense, I know they have secondary issues, but they also have arguably the best individual defender in the entire NFL: DeMarcus Ware. That name just sounds so scary....and black. And I can assure you, he's both. Haha.... Seriously though, he's terrifying, and he's gonna kill muthufuckuhs.

So while the team is flawed, remember, we're not talking "favorites" here, we're talking "sleeper." And this team absolutely has the potential to fly just under the radar (providing Jerry Jones keeps his fucking trap shut), again especially given the attention in Philly, then sneak up and snag a playoff spot. From there, hey, if last year's Seahawks/Saints game taught us anything, it's that ya never know what's gonna happen in the playoffs.

Watch out for the Cowpokes. That's all I'm sayin'.

8) If what I say about Dallas comes true, it will come at the expense of the Falcons

Yes, the Atlanta Falcons. The do-no-wrong, can't lose at home, 14-2 Atlanta Falcons. They might miss the playoffs. I realize this is kind-of a conditional prediction, but ummmmm, I don't care. Just read it.

I figure the Eagles, Packers, and Rams are division winners, and for the sake of argument let's say that the Saints win the NFC South, ok? We have two wild-card spots left, and it'll be a mad dash between the Cowboys, Falcons, Buccaneers, maaaaaaaybe the Giants, and yes, those Lions of Detroit. Yep, I'm a believer in the potential in the motor city this year.

So suddenly, similar to what I said earlier about Baltimore, the Falcons playoff hopes don't seem like such a sure thing do they? First off, let's be honest - there's no fucking way they're going 14-2 again. Ain't. No. Way. So let's look at their opponents this season and see where they may lose: Chicago, Philly, TB twice, NO twice, CAR twice, Indy, Jax, Tenn, Hou, Min, Det, GB, Sea. I can see this team losing as many as SEVEN games. I'd bet on 10-6 for them, but 9-7 is certainly possible. Consider the following:

They have the Bears week one. I dont like Chicago, but its the opener, and its in Chi-town. Last season, the Falcons stunk up the opener, couldnt score, and lost to Pitt. Getting out of the gate slow may be a trend. So there's one. Then they have Philly, who fucking CRUSHED Atlanta last year (Side note: my sister got married the day of that game, but that's of minimal importance). So that could be an 0-2 start, and suddenly its getting extra hot in Hotlanta. From there, I say they drop one game to each TB and NO, boom - losses three and four right there. Then they drop the Green Bay game fo' sho', and bang! five losses. Nobody sweeps the AFC opponents, so they'll drop either Indy or Houston, which makes six losses. Finally, throw in the obligatory "stinker" game each team has once a year, and there you have it, 9-7 in Atlanta this year.

Julio Jones won't make them THAT much better....let's just throw that in there.

So, to reiterate, if Dallas rips off 10 games, come December the Falcons won't be thinking of winning games by driving into kicking range, they'll just be thinking of going to the driving range. (Did I just win weakest joke ever? I think I did).

9) If I said I thought anyone besides Calvin Johnson would be MVP, I'd be Lion...

It almost seems impossible that a receiver could earn an MVP award considering that every time he touches the ball, he shares his stats with his quarterback. Nonetheless, given his ridiculous play-making ability, sure hands, breakaway speed/YAC ability, you name it, I say Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions will be this year's NFL MVP.

I realize that in all four of the major sports, usually - not always, but usually - the MVP is reserved for someone who plays for a team that, at the very least, qualifies for the playoffs. So consider this a dual prediction: Megatron wins MVP, and the upstart, feel-good-story that is the Detroit Lions will somehow manage to take the #6 seed in the NFC playoffs. This one is a reach, but what's the fun in not taking a few chances, right?

There's nothing not to love about this team. The QB is likeable and certainly talented enough (so long as he stays healthy!). They got a top-flight receiver in Megatron. Their young RB Jahvid Best showed flashes of brilliance last season, and they have the single most dangerous defensive player active today in Ndamukong Suh. In fact, his name might even be scarier than DeMarcus Ware....and maybe even blacker, too.

Add this all up, and you have a Cinderella story that might actually have some legs to it. The biggest thing working against Detroit is that they seem to have taken the mantra of "sexy playoff pick" away from the Arizona Cardinals, who had owned it every year for the last 90 years.

Despite that unfortunate little jinx, I'm here to tell you that it's gonna happen. And this means, as suggested above, that Matty is gonna be put on ice. Bye bye, Falcons.

10) The New York football Jets WILL WIN SUPER BOWL XLVI

Why do I capitalize most of that heading? So you don't forget. Because you should listen to me and place your bets now. That's why. I got it right last year, and I'm gonna get it right this year.

There are certain things that every Super Bowl winner in history has had, and that every potential winner must have: a good defense, the ability to pound the ball and run it, the ability to manage the clock, guys with post-season experience, et al. Ya know what's NOT among these criteria? - an elite quarterback (See: Trent Dilfer, Doug Williams, Jim Plunkett, Jeff Hostetler, Eli Manning, Brad Johnson).

And guess what is the only area in which the Jets are sorely lacking? - you guessed it, it's the fucking quarterback, of course! Captain GQ Magazine himself, Mark Sanchez, does not have the chops. In fact, on his own merit, I'd have him listed as "barely serviceable." He doesn't throw a great ball down the field, he throws too many interceptions, and many of his passes that fall incomplete SHOULD be interceptions!

I know there's something to be said for the poise it takes to pull out a close game by orchestrating late-game drives. And there's a reason the Jets were referred to as the "comeback kids" for a time last season. Still, given the talent all over this team, they should be killing teams, not just slipping past them at the end.

And this year, they will. They're going to kill teams. And they're going to handle the Patriots - AGAIN - in the playoffs.

The only thing they have to fear en route to the dance are the Pittsburgh Steelers, who always have a chance it seems. But, I say the football gods have determined that Sexy Rexy has paid his dues, he has waited long enough, he's been to the title game three straight years (if you count his last year in Baltimore), and on this fourth attempt, he's going to get over the hurdle....which will mark the first time in his life that Rex Ryan will have managed to clear a hurdle of any kind...

And when they get to the Super Bowl and find the Packers standing in their way, they're going to need to get a little lucky to pull it out. But again, there's no point in not taking a bit of a risk in selecting the Super Bowl winner, and it's absolutely zero fun picking a team to repeat, so I say it all falls into place in the big apple. So write it down folks, despite the prominence of the Packers, despite their poor AFC Championship game track record, and despite the abject buffoonery of their quarterback, the New York Jets will find a way.

Super Bowl SLVI - New York Jets 29, Green Bay Packers 19.

So there you have it folks. I know, I know - this post was way too fucking long. But whatever, if you know me, you know I ramble. Now go read Bill's stupid bullshit. Peace out....Oh, and post a fucking comment, will ya? Jesus...


Wow. Fucking Amazing. I have known my younger brother for all 28 years of his mostly unimportant life, and just when i think he can't be any more of an idiot, he goes and types something stupid to prove me wrong.

First off - if you follow asshead's instructions and scroll down, you will find that i DID correctly pick the winner of the Super Bowl last year - I just didn't get their opponent right. Seriously, you hairy yard ape, follow your own instructions and scroll down and try to at least verify one or two facts before you flap your gums (copyright: stone cold steve austin)

Second - i love how I'm the adorable retard, but he's the one that doesn't know how to spell Jimmy C-L-A-U-S-E-N's last name. But yeah, totally, I'm the retard trying to read. Just remember, dickcheese, I read more books in August than you did in college, and the amount of vocabulary words I know that you don't could juuuuuuuuuuuust about fit into the Atlantic Ocean.

I feel like my point is made, and if i go any further (which i could), DJ might cause bodily harm to himself, so instead I'll move forward with my NFL predictions sure to go completely wrong.

1) The Philadelphia Eagles are not a "dream team", but will reach the NFC Championship game.

See what i did there? I took peniswrinkle's first point, but made it correct.

Yeah, so Vince Young is shmuck sauce. I wish he never made that damn dream team comment, but again - he's Vince Young, who not too long ago was a starting QB in the NFL making millions of dollars but was somehow also a threat to commit suicide, so the guy ain't the picture of mental stability. Anyway - I think it's clear to anyone with a modicum of intelligence (so - not anyone at ESPN) that the Eagles are not a dream team. Dream teams do not have as many holes as the Eagles do (I'm looking at YOU linebackers). There are plenty of teams in the league with as much or more talent as the Eagles, so calling them a dream team - like DJ's ejaculations - is premature.

That being said - I think the Eagles get to the NFC title game. The offense last year was spectacular, and this year they've added Ronnie Brown and shifty rookie Dion Lewis looks like he might be a really good find in the draft. If the offensive line can come together, and with Howard Mudd's repuation, I have every reason to believe they will, and MV7 can put together an injury free season at least in the vicinity of how good he was last year - the Birds offense could be the best in the NFL.

I think the Eagles meet the Falcons in the NFC title game - again - and the result..........you'll find out later. Now you have to read the rest!


2) If life hands you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail.

That quote (courtesy: Forgetting Sarah Marshall) goes out to Carson Palmer - a quality QB who has had so many lemons jammed up his ass in his NFL career, its amazing he hasn't asphyxiated himself.

Anywhooooo, my prediction here is that the Bengals go 0-16 this season. Good ol' Carson realized that he could go home, sit on his couch, finger his butthole and win the same amount of games he would have as the starting QB for the Bengals.

Look at this friggin team - the starting QB (Andy Dalton) and number 1 WR (AJ Green) have never played a snap in the NFL, and Andy Dalton has bright red hair. The no. 2 WR is named Jerome Simpson. I don't think I need to elaborate there. And the starting RB just got out of prison - where he spent his entire 10 day sentence painting. All that is a recipe for one big steamy pile of shit.

I think maybe - maybe - with the fact that there are come other gaaaaawwwwwd awful teams in the NFL (Hi, Cam Newton! Hi, Alex Smith! Hi, Jason Campbell!) and the fact that they play the Browns twice means they should be able to cobble together one or two wins - but I actually think they are the worst of the worst, so I'm saying they match the Lions for futility and go 0-16.

Man, Ohio fucking sucks. The Reds finally made the MLB playoffs last year (beat by the Phils, nooch), seemed prime for an extended run at the top of the NL central, and promptly shit the bed and are now taking it in the ass from the Brewers. The Indians started off awesome, gave everyoe in Cleveland hope, and then as soon as people started giving them a serious look they, well, remembered that they were the Indians. I dont think I even need to talk about the Cleveland Cavaliers. I'm pretty sure everyone, even my Mom, is aware that LeBron created a show called "The Decision", and proceeded to buttfuck the entire city of Cleveland on a global stage - then as soon as Cleveland's collective asshole stopped bleeding, he and the Miami Heat came to town and buttfucked them again on national TV without using any lube. The Cleveland Browns? Right before they got reaaaaaaally good, Art Modell slipped into town in the middle of the night, moved them to Baltimore, called them the Ravens and they won a super bowl. The "new" Browns have lived through Derek Anderson, Jake Delhomme, and now Colt McCoy. I don't know how the suicide rate isn't higher. Ten there's the Columbus Blue Jackets. Want to hear all of the good things they have done since their creation?....................wanna hear it again? I've gone off on a tangent.

The Bengals are going to go 0-16. Moving on.....


3) If I keep making the same prediction every year, I'm bound to eventually be right.........right?

Oh, those loveable Lions. Last year, I predicted that Mo'town was on the rise, and that the Lions would finish second in the division and be in the running for a wild card spot. Weeeeeeeeell, due to Matty Stafford's separated shoulder, Jahvid Best's gimpy foot, and the Chicago Bears deal with Lucifer, that prediction didn't turn out so hot.

Did I learn my lesson? No. I'm pickin' em again - and if anything, I'm more confident. When Staff was in at QB last year, he was good.....like - viable starting fantasy QB good, and if he stays healthy, could put up really good numbers. Megatron, besides being owner of the best nickname this side of Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal, has the goods to be the best WR in the game if his QB stays heality (although he will NOT be the MVP - more on that later! That's right - a blog cocktease!) Before going gimpy, Jahvid Best had a shot at an incredible rookie season, and has looked great in the pre-season. Last, but in no way least - they also have a raging psychopath on defense by the name of "I don't know how to spell his first name - Suh." who is my pick for both Defensive Playor of the Year and Most likely to commit a homicide on a football field.

Lions finish 10-6 and steal the second wild card spot from the Cowboys. You heard it here first, last year. Then you heard it here again, this year.

4) Every ride comes to an end.

The Indianapolis Colts have had a helluva run, but like all good things, I can afford it. I mean, like all good things, it has to come to an end. Even before the complications to Peyton Manning's neck rehab came out earlier this week, I was already half convinced the Colts were gonna miss the playoffs this year - and now since Manning's neck is now a medical mystery and doctors have all of a sudden gotten incredibly vague, which is always a harbinger of doom, I am all but convinced the Colts magical run is over.

Manning might not play until sometime between week 3 and week 456 (like i said - vague), and the QB options are Kerry Collins, who is, I think two years older than my Dad or Curtis Painter, who has as much business being a NFL QB as Buffy, my english bulldog.

There is no running game to speak of between Joe "haven't been good in three years" Addai, Donald "I miss UConn" Brown and Mike "How the hell did I sneak into the NFL" Hart. Reggie Wayne is a year older than he was last year (same goes for everyone on the planet except Bob Costas), Austin Collie just got another concussion after hitting his head on a pillow, and an already porous defence has not improved.

I am tempted to say the Colts could finish sub-500, but I'll pull myself back and predict a 9-7 season, and no playoffs. The Colts slide into mediocrity dovetails nicely into my next prediction, which is....

5) The Houston Texans finally make the playoffs.

It seems like every year every NFL prognosticator says this is gonna be the year the Texans get off the shnide and make the playoffs. They certainly have the talent - Schaub has proven he is the real deal. He throws for 4,000 yards and a bushel of TD's every year. yeah he could cut down on INTs, but so sould everyone else. Andre Johnson is a beast, and until Megatron gets a reliable QB for 16 games, he is the best WR in the league. Arian Foster went from Steve Slaton's (who?!?!?) little known backup to a top 5 fantasy football RB. The defense is really really good. I'm joking. The defens is awful - but you would still think the Texans have enough to at least garner a winning season. Not so much.

Being a Houston Texans fan must really suck. The way I imagine it to be is like when you go to a strip club. You go inside and its like entering a dreamworld. There are all kinds of pretty things everywhere, and everyone's nice to you. Maybe you find a whore....er, slut....i mean.....cum dumpster.....er, i mean dancer....yeah, dancer that you like, and you go back into the special room for a private dance. Livin on a Prayer comes on, and that song rocks. Your selected dancer is removes her top and is rubbing up against you and it feels damn good. Pour some sugar on me comes on next and your friend's panties come off. There's more rubbing and now you're really excited. Rock me like a hurricane comes on next, and your companion is in full fledged dry hump mode and you're ready to burst. Then that feeling of intense pleasure comes over you, your mind goes blank and..........

three seconds later the chick has stopped rubbing on you, and she magically has her clothes back on in two seconds. The lights have gotten a little brighter and you see that even though she was super hot in the dark, in normal light she has stretch marks and more of a vagomach (vagine + stomach) than you thought, and whereas before her skin smelled like heaven, now you are painfully aware that smell is the 5,678 other guys she rubbed up on earlier. You realize you have been back there for 4 songs and you owe her a hundred bucks plus tip, but you already spent your cash on the absurdly high cover price and 10 dollar coors lights ar the bar, and the intense pleasure you felt a second ago is now drying on your upper thigh and become uncomfortable and sticky.

So basically, being a Texans fan has been like spending a buttload of money for watered down beer, cummy pants, and a decent amount of self loathing.

Until now. I think this is the year Texans fans walk past the strip bar, and meet a nice Christian girl who always smells good and never leaves you with no money and jizz drying on your upper thigh. Yeah. Texans win the division and make the post season. Let's move on before this becomes more uncomfortable.

6) Reggie Bush gets hurt

Just kidding. What kind of prediction would that be? Of course he is going to get hurt. He is apparently made of vagina.

6) Me and Julio down by the schoolyard

My pick for rookie of the year - Julio Jones. Can you think of a better situation for a rookie WR with tons of talent to go into? The Falcons were 14-2 last year, so clearly, a good team. They have a QB on the verge of enterting the top tier group, a workhorse RB that will always command attention, and the receiver that lines up on the other side of the field is one of the three or four best in the NFL. Throw in a future hall of fame tight end, and Julio Jones is going to have all kinds of open space to run around in.

You know Roddy will draw doubles all the time, teams will have to respect Turner, Gonzalez will draw coverage from a LB or a safety, leaving Julio with one on one coverage on more plays than not. If this guy has even half the talent that he is supposed to have - he should be at least the top offensive rookie in the league. I know a lot of people are on Mark Ingram's nutsack - and i think he is going to be good too - but Saints are super pass happy, and they have four running backs. i think Ingram may get more touches than Julio - but Julio makes the bigger impact.

Also, he is named Julio, which is fun.

7) The Dirty South

Remember when the NFC south was so bad that it seemed the teams would even be able to win if they were in the Big 12? The Saints used to be the Aints, the Bucs used to wear puke orange and be awful, the Falcons used to have Bobby Hebert at QB.....ahhh the good ole days. Now I predict that it will be the best and most competitive division in football.

First things first - throw out the Panthers. They suck. Newton is going to be Tarvaris Jackson revisited, they have no good receivers (Steve Smith meet Father Time, Father Time, meet Steve Smith) and no defense. Theyre going 3-13, 4-12 at best.

But - the other three teams in this division are all legit playoff contenders, and two of them are legit super bowl contenders. I've already discussed the Falcons. I dont think they go 14-2 this year, but 12-4 is not out of the question. Their offense was awesome last year and it got better with Julio and also adding Jacquizz Rodgers at RB to be a change of pace for Turner.

The Saints. Somehow, a team with Drew Brees at QB, the top RB in the draft (Ingram), a receiving core of 4 solid pass catchers, and a ball hawk defense has flown completely under the radar this pre-season. No one is really talking about the Saints and how butt nasty they could be. Again - 12-4, 13-3, not out of the question. They will be neck and neck with Atlanta all year long.

And last - the wild card - The Bucs. They were 10-6 last year and finished third. that sucks for them, and unfortunately for you tampa lovers, I think its gonna happen again. The Bucs will be competitve, be right with the two top dogs, cause them all kinds of headaches, but miss the post season again. I think a 9-7 or 10-6 finish is in the cards.

Anyway - no other division will have three teams this good.

8) The KC Chiefs are the real deal

So, every year there is a fluke team in the NFL. Some team that comes fromt out of the clear blue sky to be good, then immediately falls back into mediocrity afterwards. Lots and lots of smart people, and Merrill Hoge, are saying that the Chiefs are that team this year. They wont produce like they did last year, they wont win as many close games.....blah blah blah. I dont buy it.

First - the only team they have to contend with in their division are the Chargers. The Raiders have taken an enormous Nnamdi Asomugha sized step backwards, and the Broncos are a complete and utter disaster. The Chargers are good and talented, and are everyone's sexy pick (again) to go to the super bowl, and that could definitely happen. But the super Chargers also have a history of fading once fall turns to winter. Is that going to happen again? Actually I dont think so (more on that later). I think the Chargers win the division, and the Chiefs snag a wild card spot.

Second - the Chiefs defense is sneaky good. They are a decent pass coverage team and an excellent run stopping team. Tamba Hali is a superstar waiting to happen - KC realized it and paid him like one.

Third - Cassell and Bowe are a legit elite QB/WR tandem. I feel like even though he stepped in for Brady and led the Pats to an 11-5 record, then came to KC and was the catalyst for the Chiefs suddenly becoming relevant again last year - Cassel is still not thought of too highly. Hey, maybe he shouldnt be - but I say wins are wins. The guy is a winner and when you have a guy to throw to like......

Four - Dwayne Bowe is LEGIT. I dont care if you have a fluke season or not, you cant have 15 receiving TDs without having talent. Dude can play. Do i think he'll repeat those numbers? Probably not. Do i think 1100 yards and 10 Tds is realistic? yes, I do. Don't sleep on D-Bowe. Plus all the pressure won't be on him to produce because the Chriefs have....

9) The 2011 NFL MVP: Jamal Charles

Love this guy. I do not generally get sexually aroused by sports performances, but this dude gives me a sports boner. This dude was within .1 of setting an NFL ALL TIME RECORD last year for yards per carry. Seriously. Every time Jamal Charles touches the ball - the worst case scenario is likely a 7 yard gain.

He is lightning fast - has great hands (46 catches last year) and with Thomas Jones a year older, he is set to get more carries and more plays drawn up specifically for him this year. All of the points my dickface brother made about the Lions are valid. They also apply to the Chiefs. Fell good QB story....underdog becoming relevant again.....etc. I think Charles has an edge over Megatron just because by virtue of being a running back he will touch the ball more. Also - WRs typically do not win the MVP. Just sayin.

10) Eagles over Jets in the Super Bowl

Hey fuck you. I dont care if I'm a homer. I never, ever, ever, ever pick the Eagles because I'm afraid I'll jinx them, and guess what? they never fucking win anyway. So I'm going for it this year. This is the year. They took their biggest weakness last year (secondary, except for Asante) and upgraded with DRC and Nnamdi - two pro bowlers. They upgraded the D-line with Cullen Jenkins and Jason Babin to finally, finally take pressure off of Trent Cole (look OUT for Trent Cole this year).

The offense is largely intact - with the addition of a legit playmaker in Ronnie Brown to take some carries and be a third down guy.

Its all there. Eagles 27, Jets 17. Fuck you, Rex.