Today we're talking television shows, or more specifically, new primetime shows. I don't care how much free time you have on your hands (though if you're reading this, I'm presuming you have a fair amount), there are just too many shows for your schedule and/or your DVR to handle. With that in mind, let me just say you're welcome... because I've done much of the dirty work for you. I've tested most of the new stuff out, so I generally know what sucks and what's worth your time. First, let me address what you should avoid:
Free Agents: Chances are you've never heard of it. But it's a very stock/vanilla regurgitation of your cookie-cutter sitcom where two recently heartbroken, corporate America co-workers can't help but wind up together, blah blah blah we've seen this more times than we've seen Ryan Howard strike out in a big spot. Hank Azaria deserves something different. He's a quirky voice guy, not a romantic comedy guy (he does everyone from Flanders to Moe, with a million more in between, on The Simpsons. He's also the gay butler from the Birdcage). And the chick - you'll remember her from her bit part as Veronica Corningstone's friend in Anchorman - offers nothing as a lead. Stay away from this dreck.
Terra Nova: Haven't even seen it, and I don't need to. Jurassic Park meets Avatar meets Lost. We get it. Nice try. This show won't last two seasons. It's another feeble attempt to create something epic. It'll draw audiences nicely initially - as most underwhelming epic tales tend to do - but it'll fade equally fast. Nobody cares about CGI dinosaurs, the production quality of which suggest they were created on some kid's iPad. Other words - remember "The Event," "The Nine," or "Flash Forward?" Yeah, neither does anyone else. They all tried to rope people in with out-of-this-world hoopla, and they all fell flat. Don't waste your time. There's a reason Lost is regarded as a once-in-a-lifetime show - because it can't be duplicated. You can't just throw an eclectic group of people in a completely unknown wildnerness/jungle environment and expect Lost to just happen again. Because it won't, I promise. Stay away.
Ok, that's actually all I got for stay-aways. On the other hand, make sure to check out the following:
Up All Night - Speaking of Veronica Corningstone...here she is! Christina Applegate and Will Arnett (Gob from Arrested Development) co-star as the brand new parents of baby Amy, and each episode presents them with a new challenge wherein they struggle to balance respectable parenthood without sacrificing what's left of their dwindling youthful, independent vigor. Sounds like chick-flick material, I know. But it's better than that. It's heartwarming (ladies), but it's also witty (dudes). It's charming (ladies), but Arnett makes sure it's also sarcastic (dudes). It also stars Maya Rudolph from Bridesmaids as somewhat of a confused and juvenile Oprah Winfrey-like talk show host (ladies), but Christina Applegate's character is super milf/cougar material (dudes). It's got something for everyone, and you'll enjoy every episode for a variety of reasons. Think less "When Harry Met Sally," and more "Big Daddy." Cool? Cool.
American Horror Story - I could say that this show is essentially about a haunted house that seems to have a consciousness of its own, with a few "permanent" (aka "undead") residents to boot, but that would make it seem like it offers little more than every thoughtless horror movie that's come out over the past ten years. This show offers a ton more than that. It's gripping, edge-of-your-seat type stuff all the way through. The drama emanating from the tenuous relationship and rocky marriage of the show's main characters (Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton from Friday Night Lights) is uncomfortably tense enough on its own, and that's before we even get to any of the gory stuff! So, supplement those two with a myriad of eerily vague but somehow compelling, creepy characters that keep popping up at curious times and in interesting places- especially Jessica Lange's turn as the ostensibly pleasant but not-so-secretly sinister neighbor (yes, that Jessica Lange!...and she's somehow still kinda sexy for a 63 year old. I'd definitely still nail her) - and the show always seems to leave you hanging with more new questions not only before the end of each episode, but before each commercial break! That's impressive. Finally, the show absolutely delivers on it's promise to be genuinely frightening, which is great to see. It'd suffice if the show managed to simply intrigue, but it accomplishes not only that; it succeeds in its attempt to terrify as well, thanks in large part to some nifty cinematic tricks of the trade. For example, lightning quick camera zooms in or out to emphasize a character's expression when they realize someone else is in the room or they just saw something awful, thunderous, abrupt bits of soundtrack that'll jar you in your seat (don't be scratching your balls during this show, fellas. You'll end up involuntarily clenching and squeezing your nuts too hard. Ladies, try not to flick the bean while watching, you'll tear something), neat little camera pans that reveal the presence of a previously unseen villain, slightly out of focus in the background (think Michael Myers), and so many other neat little tricks really give the show a fantastic touch. All in all, it's smart both in terms of screenplay and cinematographic prowess, it's creepy, it's a dynamic and quickly evolving story, and it's generally just fucked up. Make SURE you check it out.
New Girl - Switching gears quite a bit here. You all remember Zooey Deschanel I'm sure (Elf, Yes Man, etc.). She stars as Jess, an irresistably likeable, quirky chick whose life, for whatever reason, steers her into a situation where she lives with three dudes she just met. Whatever. The three guys are marginally funny - one's an aspiring playboy/pimp type, one is clearly Jess's burgeoning love interest, and one is the unnecessary token blacky - but the real appeal of the show lies simply in how Jess interacts with them all. It's almost as if they just told Zooey to act goofy and unfiltered, and somehow she made it work. There's just something about her that's extremely appealing - kinda sexy, kinda witty, kiiiinda sarcastic, but not definitively any of those three. She's just innocent and, again, likeable. She's the kind of chick you'd want to be around because she tells it like it is. She is a breath of fresh air in that she doesn't play any stupid games like most women do (which makes her, and the show, very appealing to guys!). So maybe that's just it. Whatever the reason, it's clearly infectious, and people are catching on as this became the first show of Fox's new fall lineup that has already been picked up for a second season. So there's no chance you'd be investing in a lame duck sitcom here. Give it a shot. It's light, it's fun, it's easy, and you'll laugh quite a bit while falling in love with Zooey simultaneously. For the chicks out there - consider her a hybrid of Phoebe and Rachel - Smart, silly, hot, friendly, quirky, et al, all rolled into one...Any Friends analogy should be enough to rope girls in, right?
Alright, there will be more. But let's have Bill have at it first, because I can already sense him foaming at the mouth to rebut my Terra Nova indictment. Let's converse folks. Post a comment with thoughts, shows I missed, etc. And later on we'll talk about returning shows you should catch up on (ahem, The Walking Dead, ahem). 'Til next time.
DJ
NOW we're in my wheelhouse. This is Bill. I watch everything on television, work in television, and waste roughly 76% of my brain storage capacity remembering television facts that are useful in approximately no situations.
Firstly - my brother lied. I actually endorse Fast and the Furious, Fast & Furious and Fast Five, all of the Fast and Furious moves that have both Diesel and Walker in them. When a movie stars just one of them, its horrifyingly bad. When they are both together, its horrifyingly entertaining. While none of those flicks are classics, I nonetheless enjoyed them. Plus, when is it not fun to hear Vin Diesel's signature "heh, heh, heh" deep laugh thing. Never, that's when.
Also, even though my asshole brother thinks he knows what I'm gonna say, he doesn't. He employs this tactic with women too, achieving the same results. Zing! You won't find Terra Nova on my hits or misses of the new season, because quite frankly I don't feel strongly enough about it either way. A lot of it is exactly as assclown mcgoo said it was - Jurassic Park meets Avatar meets Lost only with worse special effects and screenwriting. But there is enough cleverness and nuggets of good storytelling each week to keep me DVRing it. In fact, the parts I like the most are sans-dinosaurs, so go figure.
So, now that we've covered that doofus is pretty much wrong all the time, here are my three biggest misses of the new TV season, followed by my three biggest hits.
AVOID:
Unforgettable - This thing is the worst piece of shit not named "The Real Housewives of....". Ok the hook here is that Poppy Montgomery (who a lot of people think is hot, but who i think looks a liiiiiiiiiiittle bit retarded) is a detective that is afflicted with an actual condition that effects like 2 in 145 bajillion people that causes her to remember everything she has ever experienced in extraordinary detail. And, of course, instead of doing something like curing cancer, she is a cop. Original! So her super cool memory helps her solve crimes. Of course, the police department is fiiiiiiiiiilled with doubters that she winningly convinces she is right each and every week. Ugh.
This show is everything I hate about popular television. (Other than The Mentalist - so sue me, everyone has guilty pleasures! Don't judge!) Its cliched, formulaic, provides no excitement and is wrapped up like a christmas present at the end of the hour. The lead actress has as much charisma as an Andy Reid press conference, and nothing about the show strikes me as anything that could or would actually happen ever. The real shame is that Dylan Walsh, who plays the skeptical partner (which was better when it was Scully to Mulder) is actually a decent actor, who is being wasted here.
Anyway - this show is boring, unrealistic, stupid, cliched and.......its TV's #1 new drama. Nice job, America. And people wonder why I read so much. I'd tell you to stay away, but clearly none of you listen. I bet my Mom LOVES this show. Blech.
Up All Night - I think my brother just has a little chubby for Maya Rudolph, a half chubby for Christina Applegate and a full on veiny erection for Will Arnett. Otherwise, how could really recommend this show? With the talents of the three aforementioned comedians involved, I really expected this show to hit it out of the park, and instead what I got was a seeing eye single. Its not horrendous, but its not laugh out loud funny either. The concept is there. The cast is definitely there. But for some reason I am really bored watching it. I have stuck with it each week waiting for the switch to flip, and it hasnt happened.
I think Maya Rudolph's character is in the show waaaaaaay too much. The oprah on crack thing she is doing is funny, just like it was on SNL......in small doses. Otherwise it gets old and annoying fast. On the flip side, Will Arnett is really underused in the show. He is one of the funniest guys out there and I feel like he is window dressing for the two chicks on the show. Let me be clear, there are a lot of sitcoms on that are worse than this show (lookin at YOU, Tim Allen), but none that were as big a disappointment, at least for me. I think this past week I officially gave up on it - and I think you should do the same.
Prime Suspect - I rrrrrrreally rrrrrreally wanted to like this show. Philadelphia's own Maria Bello is the star, and she is someone I have thought deserved a crack at her series for a while, and the BBC show of the same name that starred a 30-something Helen Mirren was really, really good. So, again, high hopes.....I had......hiiiiiiigh hopes (love you Harry the K), but I jsut can't keep myself interested in this one.
The pilot was half decent, and I liked Bello in the role, but I just dont feel like they are doing enough to make this its own show and not another Law and Order spinoff dressed up with a different name. The show s going for something grittier, like maybe a cross between Law & Order and NYPD Blue, and ends up kind of floating in limbo somewhere in the middle. I watched the first three and taped the fourth.......and its been sitting on my DVR because I have no real desire to play it. If anything, it'll be one of those shows I keep on my DVR for when I can't sleep at night (a spot currently monopolized by the NCIS family).
Ok - so those were the three shows I was most annoyed with out of the gate. On the flippity flip, here are the ones I have been most pleasantly surprised by:
2 Broke Girls - So, going into the season, Up All Night was the one I was really looking forward to, and this show was the one I was gonna give a try based solely on the fact that Kat Dennings is like #1 on my "inexplicable super hot" list. Seriously, you look at her and you think, kinda weird face, super huge cartoonish boobs, a little heavy maybe, she really shouldnt be hot.....but she really is. Like, a lot. Like, spank bank hot........
..........
Ok, I'm done. Anyway - I figured I'd be over Ms. Dennings in a week or so and that would be that. But not only am I still way into Kat, this show is actually really funny. It is really vulgar, which a like - there is a lot of sexual humor I have no idea how they get away with at 8:30pm, and not one but TWO really likeable lead actresses. Beth Behrs plays a sort of Paris Hilton knockoff whose Dad is a Bernie Madoff type who just went to prison, leaving her penniless. She strikes up an odd, "opposites attract" type of friendship with the equally financially challenged Kat Dennings, and we have 2 broke girls.
This is one of two shows written and produced by Whitney Cummings (the other being Whitney over on NBC - which would have made this list if I expanded it to 5. Ms. Cummings is also on the "inexplicably hot" list, FYI), and I think this is the better one. The dialogue is great, the cast is great, and it just seems like a fresher idea - a sit-com not based around a romantic relationship or a guy and a girl destined to be together etc... I find myself laughing out loud several times during each episode, which is more than I can say for most sitcoms out there.
Homeland - This show is awesome. I watched in initially because its in the post-Dexter spot on Showtime, and because Showtime is sloooooooooowly creepin up on HBO as the premium cable network to love. This show centers around an American POW, Nicholas Brody (played by the dramatically underrated Damian Lewis) who returns to America after being in captivity for 8 years in Afghanistan. He is welcomed home like a hero by everyone.......everyone except Carrie Matheson (Claire Danes), who is an impulsive, pill popping CIA agent who has a history of getting in trouble with her superiors. She believes that during his 8 year captivity, Brody was turned by Muslims and is now plotting an attack on the USA. Her only supporter in the CIA is her boss, played by the always awesome Mandy Patinkin (prepare to die!).
Each week as the story unfolds, the viewer is left to wonder if Brody really was turned or if Claire Danes is seeing what she wants to see. The show is tense and riveting and features incredible performances from the entire cast - including Firefly and V alum Morena Baccarin, who does an incredible job playing Brody's wife, who was sleeping with his best friend when he was rescued. I like that it is not an episodic show, which means you must watch every week to understand whats going on. Every episode I am on the edge of my seat watching this thing, and although it seems like a foregone conclusion, given the plot of the show, that he has been turned into a muslim - the show is written well enough that I am really unsure how it's going to pay off. Cant ask more from a drama.
Person of Interest - for me, its the best new show of the TV season. This show has a real chance at mainstream success because at least so far, it has done an expert job at straddling the line between an episodic, CSI/Criminal Minds/NCIS type show and a serialized, Lost/Fringe type show. The plot centers around the enigmatic Mr. Finch (played by the awesome Michael Emerson - Ben Linus from Lost), who created a machine for the government in an effort to stop terrorism that could "see" dangerous events coming before they happened. The problem was, the machine also could "see" random crimes coming, like your typcial "caught my wife cheating on me and killed the bitch" type homicides. The government did not deem these crimes as important as terrorist attacks, so they ignored them. Enter Mr. Finch. He programmed a back door into the computer so that the government is unaware he is using it, but the catch is - the back door he uses only spits out social security numbers of people who are going to be in trouble. When each episode starts, we dont know whether the "Person of Interest" is the murderer, the murderee, or what. Got that? Good.
Anywhooo, Mr. Finch enlists the help of Jesus Christ to help him. Not really Jesus Christ but Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus Christ. Caveizel plays an ex-soldier who, naturally, lost his wife in some sort of tragedy. So with Finch as the brains and Jesus as the brawn, they stop crimes before they happen.
This show rocks. First off, its created byJJ Abrams (Lost) and Christopher and Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight, Inception), so it should coem as no surprise that it is stylistically awesome, and written extremely well. Secondly, the chemistry of the two leads is fantastic. Emerson's twitchy, awkward Mr. Finch counterbalanced with the coiled spring tension of Caveiezel is fun to watch. Most important for me though, is that along wit the "Person of Interest" that they have to save, capture, kill, or maim every week - there is the interesting backstory of both main characters that they are slowly recvealing, as well as hints that there is a larger government conspiracy involving "the machine" that is being slowly revealed. Whats not to love?
I think so far, I am much more reliable than my idiot brother. After all, he could live on Family Guy reruns alone, so that kind of tells you all you need to know, right?
DJ - youre up.
Alright, first of all, Family Guy reruns provide endless entertainment. They're more fun than that time I went mallet-shopping with Gallagher....Oh Jesus Christ, I'm setting up my own nonsensical cut-aways. Bill's right, I gotta stop watching that show like it's my duty......(hehehehehehe, doody).
Anyway, so one of my "avoid" shows has already been fuckin' cancelled. Yep, Free Agents has turned out to be an ironic title in addition to an abject disgrace of a sitcom as everyone involved therein is already again looking for work. So yeah, this piece of shit has already gotten the axe. Good fucking riddance.
But before I call it quits on this mini-post, and since the whole Family Guy thing has gotten stupid cartoons on my mind, allow me to remind everyone that - yes, I'm going where you think I'm going - the legendary moronic duo, the original grunge-era slackers, Beavis and Butthead, are back on MTV. Swallow your pride, embrace the nostalgia, and check it out on Thursday nights. You know you want to, and you know you're gonna laugh.
If you need more incentive, what's great is that this time around, instead of making fun of music videos all the time, our two couch potato heroes mock episodes of current MTV programming like Jersey Shore, which is always a highly encouraged prospect. And let's be honest, who wouldn't want to get Beavis and Butthead's naive but telling, perverse but genuine, juvenile but legitimate, often imitated but never duplicated, altogether legendary take on shit like this? I, for one, felt awash with gratitude when they showed a clip of Ronnie and the Situation trying in vain to pronounce the word "liaison," and Butthead, stunned silent, stared at Beavis in disbelief, then turned back toward the tv and eventually blurted, "Uhhhh....these guys suck" in that immortally funny, stupidly irreverant tone of his. Aaahhh, thank you, Butthead. Our thoughts exactly.
Maybe that's why the show seems appealing to me - it's just interesting to see how the psyche of the stereotypical, mid-90's adolescent processes the pop-culture landmarks/hallmarks/icons/fads of today upon being suddenly thrust into that environment after a decade and a half of dormancy. Beavis and Butthead are so far out of place in today's world that it creates kind of a shocking juxtaposition. (Before I go on, yes, that is the first and last time the word "juxtaposition" will be used in a Beavis and Butt-head synopsis). It's compelling to see how much the pop-culture landscape has evolved - or devolved, depending on your point of view - by watching these erstwhile icons conduct themselves as usual after being plopped into the fabric of modern day high-school society. (Though, somehow, the teachers have remained the same. Daria, however, has apparently moved on. But who care because she sucks).
Think of it this way: it's views on skinny jeans and the Kardashians as seen through the eyes of those who prefers baggy flannel shirts and Jenny McCarthy. It's a take on Twilight from Pulp Fiction fans. It's thoughts on the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber as expressed by patrons of the church of Cobain and Reznor. And they're all typically conveyed in the monosyllabic, dismissive insults - punctuated only by "uhhh," "hehehe," and "like" - of two innocent little shmucks whom the world left behind in 1997. There's nothing not hilarious about all that. So, uhhhhh, yeah, friggin' watch it because its, uhhhhhh, pretty cool. And it'll make you laugh, I promise. Or at the very least, it'll make you reminisce.
DJ
